I'm not where I want to be...but I'm not where I used to be...

You are NOT ALONE....

I'm prefacing this blog with that one bold statement because it's so incredibly important for people, for YOU, to understand that you aren't alone. The feelings you feel, the pain, the panic, the depression, the headaches, the stomach aches, etc, etc, etc, you aren't alone.

I had my first panic attack when I was about 12. My mom, my grandma, I think my aunt and myself were shopping and I suddenly felt this overwhelming sense that I had to get OUT. My skin was literally crawling off my body, my heart was racing, I was dizzy, I was...insane.

I didn't know what it was. I just thought I didn't eat enough and I was hungry or I was tired. And just like it came on, it went away. I went about 10 years without feeling this way.
The next time it happened I was about 18 and I was driving down the street and all of a sudden I felt like I had tunnel vision and I was literally outside my body looking down on myself. I had to pull over and could not figure out what in the world was going on. The next time I felt this I was driving to Okaboji for a family 4th of July trip with my boyfriend and we were following my parents. Not knowing where we were going and at that time didn't have cell phones, we had to switch drivers while on the highway going 80 mph. If that wasn't scary enough right...? I didn't feel it again for several years. And then...

Seven years ago life brought (or as I really feel, the Devil brought) some unforeseen people and circumstances into my life. My stress level went to 180 without even realizing it. It all started after another really great 4th of July celebration with my family I woke up feeling the normal headache. I ate some breakfast and took some ibrophren thinking all was well. I drove home with my husband and son and laid down to watch the new Rambo movie and it hit me. I couldn't sit still, my heart was racing, I couldn't breath, I thought I was dying, I thought every bad thing in the entire world was happening all at once. I was hot, I was cold, I was shaking, I was hyperventilating, my head pounded, I felt like I wasn't real.

It took almost 45 minutes for me to get calmed down enough to just go to sleep and after that I slept for hours.  I woke up feeling like I had been hit by a train. I felt scared, drained, emotional yet emotionless. I didn't understand. 

I went to the doctor the next week and explained what happened. They hooked me up to a stress machine and a heart monitor and we waited. Nothing happened. But, I was told I had a possible heart condition and was scheduled to see a cardiologist. Well, gee, just add to the panic right? I just that I didn't have a heart condition. I didn't know what I had but I really knew that wasn't it. But, I went to the appointment anyway to have my heart checked and while in the waiting room talking with my mom, I decided, I'm fine. This is not a heart problem. And, I left. I went back to my Doctor and I told him that I didn't have a heart problem but that I knew I had something and to just please help me. I was sent away with some pills. I was told that I was probably having panic attacks. I didn't believe that either. Who wants to? 

Circumstances in my life got worse and worse and without even thinking about it, the attacks got worse and worse. I was not connecting two and two together and I didn't want to believe that something was wrong with me mentally or physically. But, at some point I had to realize I was having panic attacks. I started going to the library and reading online about what I was feeling and discovered that as much as I wanted to be wrong, I was right. 

This went on for about five years straight. These situations and people in my life that I didn't want around but couldn't seem to get rid of brought about some stress that I couldn't control. I went through some really serious, tragic and painful times. I couldn't control what I was feeling or how I dealt with it. It got out of control. I became more and more dependent on the drugs that I was given and I started asking for more. The more I was given the more I took. 

My belly aches blue
Lorazepam flu
I'm down for the count
Always three times a day ~ Blue October

I began taking this medication just to survive every day. To sleep. To feel normal.  I was drinking like a fish while taking the medication just to be able to pass out. I was self medicating and completely not realizing what I was doing. I was depressed. I was missing work constantly. I was waking up not remembering how I even went to bed. I was not a mother, I was not a friend, I was not a wife, I was not a daughter, grand-daughter.  I was not a human being. 

I don't know what other than the divine intervention of Christ that struck my heart and mind but one day I just decided...I need help. I can't do this anymore. I can't go to sleep like this one more time because one of these times, I won't wake up. 

I went to a Christian counselor and this man literally saved my life. I walked into this mans office completely helpless, alone, and broken. I had been living a life non-existent without prayer, without hope, and without life. Everyday waking up felt like a struggle. I felt all these emotions and words that I couldn't describe. 

 I was able to finally realize what it was that was plaguing me on a daily basis. He helped me write it down, see it in black and white. See what was happening for what it was. I had to work through some really really really hard shit. I had to get angry, sad, heartbroken, depressed and lost, all over again. I had to relive experiences that I had no control over and it was hard. It was thee single hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. I had to realize that there were some things in life that I had NO control over. I couldn't control people, what they did, what they thought, how they treated me. And if I continued to try, all I was going to feel was panic. I had to learn boundaries. 

I had to learn how to identify my feelings and learn that I had "red" feelings that would set me off and when I had those red feelings I had to learn to tell them to be blue...

I was given an amazing amazing book that helped me and I recommend it to anyone that has ever had panic disorder or control/boundary issues and I can promise you that as someone that had major issues, this helped me...

I was finally able to see things in black and white, see things clearly. I was able, through hard work, to get off of the pills I was taking to mask all of the feelings and actually deal with the feelings without going into a full on panic rage. 

I won't tell you that it is easy. I won't tell you that it in a few weeks and you'll be fine. I had a good seven year period of my life that panic and and anxiety controlled and overwhelmed my entire existence. But, I realize what caused it, I realized what I did to contribute to my own sickness, and I realize what I have to do now to stop it. I still suffer. There are times that I still turn to my Ativan to help me. But those are rare occurrences at this point. I will never again let that drug control my life. I will again never let panic control my life. I will never again let anxiety and depression control my life. I don't want to be sick, even if I am. The not want part is what will drive me, and you, each and every day to stop trying to control the things around us and realize that we can only control ourselves and how we react to the BS around us. We can't always control the people that come into our lives that cause complete and utter chaos like what I had happen to me. We can't always control the stress that comes with work, kids, family, friends, or spouses. We can't control other people. We can't mow other people's lawns for them. We can only control ourselves and how we react to the situations around us. We can give in and let them consume us, or we can say no, you will not create in me a uncontrollable situation because I control ME. 

If you are feeling like I felt, please, reach out to me, reach out to someone. Don't let this illness take over your life to the point that you can't function and you turn to drugs or alcohol like I did to self medicate. It will only get worse. Trust me. I've been there. But...I'm not where I used to be.