"Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit." Ephesians 5:18
As, I said I was raised in the church and as a Christian. I went to church school as a child, attended services every Sabbath, had good Christian friends, all that jazz. As a child, I was your every day typical overprotected church kid. Then things changed. I got into my teen years and after enduring the very painful and stressful divorce of my parents, I went buck wild in rebellion and I did every single thing I could do to defy everything I had ever been taught about right and wrong. I was promiscuous, I smoked cigarettes, I smoked pot, I did LSD, I smoked meth, and I drank. A lot. I was addicted to marijuana for over 6 years, and I have been drinking since the age of 15. My alcohol use varied through the years of just binging with my friends on the weekend into my adult life of drinking more heavily and every day.
The reason I share my story with you is because I wasn't your typical face of alcoholism. Sure, in my early years I was a total bar hopper and partied on the weekends but as of the last 6 years or so, bars are a place I don't step into, in fact I hate them. I went to work every day, held down a job, missed a few days here and there because of a hang over but most days I would go even with one, I paid my bills, usually on time, I am married, I have a child, I am a full time student. I have never went to jail, never got a DUI, never lost anything major because of my alcoholism I just lived life. But I was indeed your poster child for hypocrisy. I made excuses for my drinking saying that I was stressed and I deserved a drink after a long stressful day at the office. I avoided social situations that did not include alcohol, or that would look down on drinking. I chose not to participate in things like church or school activities with my son because I wouldn't be able to drink there. I avoided family get together's that would exclude alcohol. My closest drinking buddies and family knew that I drank, a lot. But many people never knew, at least I don't think they did. I am probably delusional in that thought. Specifically I did everything I could to hide this little secret from my church family. Having been raised a Seventh-day Adventist, our health principles and practices strictly prohibit the use of tobacco and alcohol. I knew that if my church family ever knew my secret that they would be greatly ashamed and disappointed in me, so instead of attending church regularly like I did as a kid, I just walked away. It was easier to make excuses not to go and continue in my addiction than to go and face them knowing that I was lying to them. I didn't wake up every day and immediately start drinking. I never got the shakes or got sick because of a lack of alcohol. I went to work every day, came home, and drank. I would eat something right before bed, go to bed either buzzed or drunk, wake up, and do it all over the next day. I have been living that pattern for 12+ years. I will not lie and tell you that nothing bad ever resulted from my drinking. I have suffered tremendously with problems in my life because of alcohol and I have done some pretty stupid and reckless things. Something else you should probably know about me is that I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks and an occasional bout of severe depression. I have been taking medication for that for over 8 years, and drinking on top of it.
This year I started my Master's degree program in Christian Counseling in Addiction and Substance Abuse Disorders. Six months prior I had earned my Bachelor's degree in Human Services with the dream of becoming a social worker. I believe that I was led to my current program by the Lord because I believe He felt it was time to deal with my own addiction. Again, I have been the poster child of hypocrisy and it was time for that to end. I knew that I had a "drinking problem". I knew that I drank to much. I knew that I was wasting so much time and money on alcohol, and I knew that I had ruined friendships and ties with family because of my addiction, but I just never found that all of these things were enough to make me want to quit. I just made the excuse over and over that I was a functioning drunk and that was just who I was going to be and be damned anyone or anything that was going to try and tell me otherwise, and if you didn't accept me for me, alcohol and all, you didn't need to be in my life. I made my Mom sad because every time she was here from out of town to visit our entire weekend was built around my drinking. I was drinking my lunch and dinner on many occasions, and on holidays I would make huge dinners that would go to waste because I didn't want to ruin my buzz by eating. Last Thanksgiving, my mom made me promise that we would all set down at the table and eat together which forced me to tailor my drinking to wine instead of beer so that I could eat. I could never eat and drink beer so when I knew that I was going to have to eat I would drink wine or margarita's so that I could continue drinking and not get bloated.
Soon after starting school I started to realize that I was an alcoholic but I was definitely not ready to accept it or do anything about it. I have been working at a company for the last 2 years and few months that put me in a situation that was highly dysfunctional and extremely stressful...again I believe the Lord was working here as well...and in March of this year the stress just got to be too much. I started going to a therapist thinking that it was just work related stress affecting me but in May things started to spiral out of control and I literally felt like I was losing my mind and on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I went back to the Dr and got better and more suitable medication for my anxiety and depression and I made the decision that it was time to put down the booze. I quit cold turkey on June 13th, 2016, the day before my son's 16th birthday. The first few weeks were tremendously difficult because I had built my whole life around drinking. I had rituals built around it. Even something as simple as going to the grocery store, I would come home and the first thing I would do would be to crack a beer. On the weekdays the urge to start drinking would hit around 4 pm but on the weekends it was whenever, even as early as noon. I think in the first 20 days of my sobriety I probably drank 20 gallons of lemon water just to keep my mind off of drinking.
I went to my first N.A. meeting 24 days sober and that was the first time I had ever said, "My name is Jessica, and I am an alcoholic" out loud and I could barely get the words out without choking down the tears. As painful as that was however, it was so incredibly freeing and felt like the Lord had just lifted a thousand pound brick off of my chest that was created out of bad memories, ruined friendships, a million hang-overs, shame, anxiety, depression, and guilt. The community that N.A. and A.A. have built is made up of some of the most compassionate and non judgmental people I have ever met and the walls of those rooms are incredibly peaceful because in them, I know longer have to hide my secret. I can freely admit who I am because every single person there is just like me in one way or another and they welcomed me with open arms and told me to "keep coming back". Finally, a group of people that finally wanted me!! 30 days sober I officially admitted on Facebook and Instagram to my friends and family, including many people that I went to church with that have known me since I was born, that I was an alcoholic. That was terrifying. As I hit the share/post button my hands were shaking in fear of how people would respond. I have not heard from some, they have been silent, but for the most part everyone has been extremely supportive and have offered extremely kind and supportive words of love, and prayers. I have found a community of extremely supportive sober people on Instagram and Facebook and it is an amazing feeling that complete strangers, yet Sister's and Brother's in Christ, can offer such kind and supportive words. It has been an incredible blessing.
Over the years I have prayed and prayed and begged for God to take the desire to drink away from me, with no answer. For a long time I felt that He had abandoned me in my addiction and that I was just lost, alone, and left to my own strength, which was none at all. I now know that I was completely wrong. I now know that all of the difficult experiences I had endured were stepping stones that God was setting in front of me in order to beat this disease. I struggle daily to say no, when stress hits and emotional feelings that I would have normally drank numb hit, I am forced to confront them head on and deal with them instead of hiding. The rituals and habits I have built around drinking are still there and everyday I have to make the choice that I will not drink. I have conquered numerous weeknights and weekends not getting drunk. I have conquered triggers where I have been around people who have said things like, man I just want to go home and drink a beer. I have conquered my first visit to a restaurant where I didn't have to waste food or take home a doggy bag because I didn't want to ruin my buzz. I have nailed my addiction to The Cross and have turned my entire will over to Christ admitting that my life became unmanageable, and I did not and do not have the power to stop drinking on my own, that I am completely and utterly dependent on Him and His power. My anxiety and depression have lessened to a point I haven't felt in over 12 years. I go to bed every night sleepy and content and I wake up every day refreshed and ready to tackle the day with new eyes and a new heart. While I will struggle every single day, and for the rest of my life with this battle against booze, just for today, I beat alcohol's ass!
