There is a level of discontent, anxiety, pulling, and burning fire inside me that I just cannot seem to shake. It's somewhat similar to the feeling that you know there is something you are supposed to do but you have forgotten what it is and no matter how hard you try to remember it's just not coming and it's driving you literally mad!
It's a fire that is burning everything around me because I can't concentrate, I am ridden with anxiety and dissatisfaction, I am grumbling and sharp, I am annoyed, I am harsh. I cannot shake the feeling that there is something else in this life that I am supposed to be doing, other than what I am doing. I am so unhappy with my current job not because it's necessarily a bad job but because I know deep within my soul that it is not what I am called for, it is not what I am meant for. I am so hungry for the word of God, for praise music, for politics, for worship, and these needs are not being met. I set at my desk all day and I just think about what other things I could be doing like reading my Bible, or studying, or talking/debating others about God's word, or serving others, or something....something different than what I am doing. I am the daughter of a Risen King and I know in the depths of my soul that I was meant for a higher purpose!!
Among a few other books like my journal and planner, my Bible travels with me wherever I go and I cannot stop looking it. It's distracting me, I can see it out of the corner of my eye. It's calling me and pulling me away from the things I am being paid to do. I am in constant prayer. I am constantly struggling with God in my mind begging Him to answer me, to speak to me, to help me, to lead me. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't concentrate. I feel like Jacob wrestling with God and holding on to Him demanding that He bless me and I won't let go unless He does!
In fact I am finding it hard to even formulate these words together in a way that flows because my mind is spinning so fast and going in so many different directions I can't feel that I even make sense!
I feel myself becoming more and more combative towards this world. Secular music (with the exception of one passionate band, Blue October) falls on my ears like annoying noise. Television anymore makes me just sick to my stomach because it is so full of the homosexual agenda pushing same sex marriage on every commercial, not withstanding even a commercial about dinner. Sex and seduction are rampant on every show, on every commercial. Now there are three different shows; Bad Angel, Lucifer, and Damien, that are basically making demons and Satan look like fond childhood friends. The love of fame and money are so prevalent among our society that anyone and everyone has a reality television show. I am unsatisfied with my daily work because I am serving a big money hungry corporation that doesn't even care enough about their employee that they allow them to stay home and work during a snow storm and make each employee feel as if their job is in danger if they stay home sick. Every day it is about the almighty dollar...something that is going to burn in the end, something that will not go to eternity. The multiculturalism (and not in it's true form) in our society that is changing the very definition of biology of what makes a man and woman different, or the fact that truth has no longer become fact but relative towards someone's opinion, is overwhelming and incredibly frustrating to deal with. I have always been an introvert (possibly a result of being an only child) but I have become so incredibly anti-social because dealing with all of these emotions just completely drains me of any energy to want to socialize with people. Christians are being murdered and persecuted every minute of every day and no one, including our own President seem to care or want to protect our rights. Every opinion or religion other than Christianity is praised, protected, and supported by new crazy laws. We are literally creating laws that violate the very constitution and no one seems to care. Our college campuses are turning into havens of entitled, self absorbed babies who have to call a "time out" during a debate because they don't know what it is like to have their feelings hurt or to have an opinion that differs from someone else and handle it like an adult.The events of this world just plague my mind and soul and I want to do something, I want to make a difference, I want to lead others to Christ, I want to witness, and I want to serve and I feel like I have this stranger living inside of me and it is ripping up my insides and screaming trying to get out. I look at how many people close to me have died, how many celebrities are now dead, and dying, the people in my life that are being diagnosed with cancer and other diseases and I am literally shaken to my core that I don't know where they stood or where they stand for Christ. I am fearful and I am ridden with anxiety over the world that my precious son is going to inherit and I struggle daily to fight against all the lies that swarm around him.
Social media like Twitter and Facebook, Instagram, and others are full of people with opinions that they love to share but the large majority of people are just shooting off their mouths with no real substance or purpose, they just want to argue, and good luck trying to voice your opinion because you will be called every name in the book, especially if you bring up the name of God. Politicians are dirty, rotten, liars, and cheats and no one seems to really want to educate themselves on policies or politics but yet want to set back and complain when something happens they don't like. People love evil, they wear it proudly like a badge of honor. The scream their evil from the mountain tops and they demand with laws, that everyone listen or they will sue, or some other ridiculous thing.
Christians are asleep and have been for a long time. We have wolves in our churches. Satan is not attacking us from the outside but he is joining our churches and attacking from the inside while we set back and wonder what the heck is going on. Our leaders and our members are so afraid of offending someone that they almost refuse to admit that Satan exists, that sin exists, and that we're all committing sins against our God that are in the least disgusting and at the greatest going to cost us our everlasting lives!
We are feeling the birthing pains that God told Eve she would feel and I for one am in a great deal of pain. I feel myself waking up from a slumber that has literally been killing me and it is painful to face my Creator and realize that He has been calling me, whispering in my hear, tugging at my heart, and pursuing me like a husband chases after his beloved wife, and like Jonah, I have been saying no Lord, no, not me, and certainly, not them. I have spent so much of my life asleep at the wheel pretending that everything is as it should be. I have dismissed my own sinful behavior as nothing more than petty sin that God will always forgive. I have wasted my life pursuing ventures and pleasures that lead to nothing more than the loss of my very soul. I have done things to cause my sisters and brothers to stumble and fall. I have excused the sinful behaviors of others in my circle because I thought I loved them and didn't want to hurt their feelings when what I should have been doing was pleading with them to stop and think about what they were doing. I have ignored a call from God because I was too afraid to step on some toes, I was too afraid to be persecuted, I was too afraid of losing something or someone. I have ignored God's call to love other's that are unlovable because I was better than them or I knew more and they weren't worthy. I have failed. I have been asleep.
I have come to the harsh realization that I expect love and mercy but I don't know how to give it. I have become so intolerant towards others not realizing the simple fact that God puts people in our lives that are completely and utterly unlovable and demands that we love them because He loves us, and He wants us to see the great extent of His grace, mercy, and unconditional love for us. I have discovered that the truth will set you free but first, it will make you utterly and completely miserable. I have come to the conclusion that while I love my friends and I love my family and I love my neighbor I am so incredibly sickened by sin that I can't even bare at times to make eye contact with others because I feel such shame and contempt for what they are doing and what I am doing and even more significant...what we are NOT doing. I have discovered that if my soul is not completely and utterly on fire for the Lord and His word then my life is an utter waste and disgrace.
So now what....Now that have I worked all out in my head and now that I have gotten out what I know, what do I do now? How do I resolve these issues in my mind? How do I go on? How do I ease these anxieties in my mind and heart? Friends, I honestly do not have a clue. I know however that I must continue on, I must keep fighting the good fight, I must keep being the voice of truth and righteousness now matter who or what comes against me. I must hold on to Christ like my life depends on it...because it does!! I must continue praying and pleading with God to lead me to where He wants me. Each night I lay down and each morning that I wake I must plead with my Creator to use my hands, walk in my feet, speak through my mouth, and I must completely surrender my will and my flesh to Him. I know I have a higher purpose and I must continue to beg and plead with God to make my life worthy of His Kingdom. Will you join me? Will you join me in prayer, will you join me in the great awakening, will you join me in determination that there is nothing greater in our lives than winning others to the Kingdom of Heaven?
