I'm not where I want to be...but I'm not where I used to be...

You are NOT ALONE....

I'm prefacing this blog with that one bold statement because it's so incredibly important for people, for YOU, to understand that you aren't alone. The feelings you feel, the pain, the panic, the depression, the headaches, the stomach aches, etc, etc, etc, you aren't alone.

I had my first panic attack when I was about 12. My mom, my grandma, I think my aunt and myself were shopping and I suddenly felt this overwhelming sense that I had to get OUT. My skin was literally crawling off my body, my heart was racing, I was dizzy, I was...insane.

I didn't know what it was. I just thought I didn't eat enough and I was hungry or I was tired. And just like it came on, it went away. I went about 10 years without feeling this way.
The next time it happened I was about 18 and I was driving down the street and all of a sudden I felt like I had tunnel vision and I was literally outside my body looking down on myself. I had to pull over and could not figure out what in the world was going on. The next time I felt this I was driving to Okaboji for a family 4th of July trip with my boyfriend and we were following my parents. Not knowing where we were going and at that time didn't have cell phones, we had to switch drivers while on the highway going 80 mph. If that wasn't scary enough right...? I didn't feel it again for several years. And then...

Seven years ago life brought (or as I really feel, the Devil brought) some unforeseen people and circumstances into my life. My stress level went to 180 without even realizing it. It all started after another really great 4th of July celebration with my family I woke up feeling the normal headache. I ate some breakfast and took some ibrophren thinking all was well. I drove home with my husband and son and laid down to watch the new Rambo movie and it hit me. I couldn't sit still, my heart was racing, I couldn't breath, I thought I was dying, I thought every bad thing in the entire world was happening all at once. I was hot, I was cold, I was shaking, I was hyperventilating, my head pounded, I felt like I wasn't real.

It took almost 45 minutes for me to get calmed down enough to just go to sleep and after that I slept for hours.  I woke up feeling like I had been hit by a train. I felt scared, drained, emotional yet emotionless. I didn't understand. 

I went to the doctor the next week and explained what happened. They hooked me up to a stress machine and a heart monitor and we waited. Nothing happened. But, I was told I had a possible heart condition and was scheduled to see a cardiologist. Well, gee, just add to the panic right? I just that I didn't have a heart condition. I didn't know what I had but I really knew that wasn't it. But, I went to the appointment anyway to have my heart checked and while in the waiting room talking with my mom, I decided, I'm fine. This is not a heart problem. And, I left. I went back to my Doctor and I told him that I didn't have a heart problem but that I knew I had something and to just please help me. I was sent away with some pills. I was told that I was probably having panic attacks. I didn't believe that either. Who wants to? 

Circumstances in my life got worse and worse and without even thinking about it, the attacks got worse and worse. I was not connecting two and two together and I didn't want to believe that something was wrong with me mentally or physically. But, at some point I had to realize I was having panic attacks. I started going to the library and reading online about what I was feeling and discovered that as much as I wanted to be wrong, I was right. 

This went on for about five years straight. These situations and people in my life that I didn't want around but couldn't seem to get rid of brought about some stress that I couldn't control. I went through some really serious, tragic and painful times. I couldn't control what I was feeling or how I dealt with it. It got out of control. I became more and more dependent on the drugs that I was given and I started asking for more. The more I was given the more I took. 

My belly aches blue
Lorazepam flu
I'm down for the count
Always three times a day ~ Blue October

I began taking this medication just to survive every day. To sleep. To feel normal.  I was drinking like a fish while taking the medication just to be able to pass out. I was self medicating and completely not realizing what I was doing. I was depressed. I was missing work constantly. I was waking up not remembering how I even went to bed. I was not a mother, I was not a friend, I was not a wife, I was not a daughter, grand-daughter.  I was not a human being. 

I don't know what other than the divine intervention of Christ that struck my heart and mind but one day I just decided...I need help. I can't do this anymore. I can't go to sleep like this one more time because one of these times, I won't wake up. 

I went to a Christian counselor and this man literally saved my life. I walked into this mans office completely helpless, alone, and broken. I had been living a life non-existent without prayer, without hope, and without life. Everyday waking up felt like a struggle. I felt all these emotions and words that I couldn't describe. 

 I was able to finally realize what it was that was plaguing me on a daily basis. He helped me write it down, see it in black and white. See what was happening for what it was. I had to work through some really really really hard shit. I had to get angry, sad, heartbroken, depressed and lost, all over again. I had to relive experiences that I had no control over and it was hard. It was thee single hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. I had to realize that there were some things in life that I had NO control over. I couldn't control people, what they did, what they thought, how they treated me. And if I continued to try, all I was going to feel was panic. I had to learn boundaries. 

I had to learn how to identify my feelings and learn that I had "red" feelings that would set me off and when I had those red feelings I had to learn to tell them to be blue...

I was given an amazing amazing book that helped me and I recommend it to anyone that has ever had panic disorder or control/boundary issues and I can promise you that as someone that had major issues, this helped me...

I was finally able to see things in black and white, see things clearly. I was able, through hard work, to get off of the pills I was taking to mask all of the feelings and actually deal with the feelings without going into a full on panic rage. 

I won't tell you that it is easy. I won't tell you that it in a few weeks and you'll be fine. I had a good seven year period of my life that panic and and anxiety controlled and overwhelmed my entire existence. But, I realize what caused it, I realized what I did to contribute to my own sickness, and I realize what I have to do now to stop it. I still suffer. There are times that I still turn to my Ativan to help me. But those are rare occurrences at this point. I will never again let that drug control my life. I will again never let panic control my life. I will never again let anxiety and depression control my life. I don't want to be sick, even if I am. The not want part is what will drive me, and you, each and every day to stop trying to control the things around us and realize that we can only control ourselves and how we react to the BS around us. We can't always control the people that come into our lives that cause complete and utter chaos like what I had happen to me. We can't always control the stress that comes with work, kids, family, friends, or spouses. We can't control other people. We can't mow other people's lawns for them. We can only control ourselves and how we react to the situations around us. We can give in and let them consume us, or we can say no, you will not create in me a uncontrollable situation because I control ME. 

If you are feeling like I felt, please, reach out to me, reach out to someone. Don't let this illness take over your life to the point that you can't function and you turn to drugs or alcohol like I did to self medicate. It will only get worse. Trust me. I've been there. But...I'm not where I used to be. 

Asian Night!!

Honey Teriyaki Hot Wings

INGREDIENTS

• 3-4 pounds chicken wings
• 1 tablespoon corn starch
• 1 1/3 cups soy sauce
• 1/3 cup Mirin rice cooking wine
• 1/2 cup honey
• 3 cloves garlic, minced
• 1 tablespoon freshly grated ginger
• 2-3 tablespoons Sriracha, optional
• Sesame seeds
• Green Onion
• Cilantro
• Asian style salad dressing
• Bean Sprouts
• 1 package Ramon Noodles (Oriental Flavor)
• 
  

Yes, I need more Sriracha....it's ok, I have back-up ;)

INSTRUCTIONS

• Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. Lightly oil a 9×13 baking dish or coat with nonstick spray.
• In a small bowl, whisk together cornstarch and 1 tablespoon water. In a large glass measuring cup or another bowl, whisk together soy sauce, Mirin, honey, garlic, ginger, Sriracha and cornstarch mixture.

• Arrange wings in a single layer onto prepared baking dish. Pour the sauce evenly over the wings.

• Place into oven and bake for 45-50 minutes, using metal tongs to turn at halftime. Then broil for 2-3 minutes, or until the wings are slightly charred.

• Let cool for 10 minutes before serving.

Asian Style Salad

While your chicken wings are cooking you can start to assemble your salad. First boil your noodles...

While your noodles are boiling chop up your cilantro and green onion,  wash your bean sprouts, and dish up your Asian salad...

Once your noodles are done you can combine them with the salad, cilantro, green onions, bean sprouts and then mix all together with your dressing. 

When your wings are done top them with green onion and Sesame Seed's and pair them together for an awesome chicken wing/salad Asian style dinner!

My son loves Asian food and he was quite impressed with my mad skills on this one!! Enjoy!!

Surrender!!!

Working in a treatment center you can discover some really awesome resources for recovery. One night I was flipping through a book about health and nutrition and how much that can contribute to staying clean and sober.

I ran across this page and read amazed how absolutely true it is...

We drank for joy and became miserable. 

We drank for sociability and became argumentative. 

We drank for sophistication and became obnoxious. 

We drank for friendship and became enemies. 

We drank to help us sleep and awakened exhausted. 

We drank to gain strength and it made us weaker. We drank for exhilaration and ended up depressed. 

We drank for "medical reasons" and acquired health problems. 

We drank to help us calm down and ended up with the shakes. 

We drank to get more confidence and became afraid. 

We drank to make conversation flow more easily and the words came out slurred and incoherent. 

We drank to diminish our problems and saw them multiply. We drank to feel heavenly and ended up feeling like hell. 

~Author Unknown

Addiction is a complicated and messy issue and the more I learn about it the more it breaks my heart to realize just how many people struggle with this issue on a daily basis and not just to drugs or alcohol. 

I have been around addicts my whole life. If it wasn't alcohol, drugs, or sports, it was OCD and cleaning issues. It's nothing new to me. But, that's the problem I think. When you grow up with this type of behavior it becomes a very "normal" part of life and you don't see the dysfunction or the damage that it causes. It's not until something smacks you in the face that you can read a poem like this and be able to apply each and every sentence to your own life. 

The thing about addiction that people don't always understand is that you can become addicted to anything. Gambling, work, drama, being sick and getting attention, food, entertaining, being needed, other people's addictions (co-dependence), even exercise and health. It's all about masking some sort of pain and using your addiction to prevent you from dealing with actual feelings. Anything we can do to avoid our actual feelings or to face any type of pain right? Anything we can do to avoid life or avoid facing who we really are or what we think we're not. I think that's the culture that we've grown up in.

The danger that we face with addiction is putting our addictions above our God. How you ask? Well the Bible says,

"Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.

Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me." (Exodus 20:3-5)

Many times people read this story or verse and they apply it only to the situation that it was written. God was not only talking to the people of Egypt and telling them not to build the golden calf that they eventually built anyway, He was also telling generation upon generation that NOTHING should come above our love for Him, or worship of Him, our service to Him. I am as guilty as anyone for this any this is why I am writing this. 

I don't read my Bible enough, I don't spend enough time in prayer, I don't go to church services and worship Him with others who believe the same as me, I don't meditate enough with Him or spend time talking with Him because other things come first and then I just don't have the time. Even as I set here writing this, I should probably just get off the computer and spend time with Him. 

When we put our addictions above our Creator we are putting ourselves exactly where the devil wants us...not thinking about Him. The Liar will then use that opportunity to glorify our addiction and make it appealing to us because we're not taking the time to listen to the Holy Spirit and His constant appeal to us to come back to Him. The Accuser will then whisper in our ears that we're not good enough to go back to God. 

My grandfather was very guilty of this when he was alive. He was always trying to fix something in order to come back to God. If he could have just quit smoking, if he could have just quit drinking, not watching NASCAR races on the Sabbath, etc, etc, etc. The excuses were abundant as to why he couldn't come to God. Those feelings are Satan, plain and simple. We are NOT good enough and there is NOTHING we can DO to ever be good enough. 

"For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast." (Ephesians 2:8-9)

Once we understand and accept this free gift from our Savior it becomes a whole lot easier to accept ourselves, faults and all, and know that we don't have to try and make ourselves better and we never will be able to. He will do that. The key in understanding that is one simple word...surrender. We must surrender ourselves to Him and to His will and His plan. It's scary, I know. I am a control freak. I think I have to have control over every single situation or I don't know...the world will just explode I guess. It's pretty silly...this human understanding. But again, that is where The Liar wants me...not to understand and not to comprehend, not to receive, not to feel blessed, not to feel recovered, or loved, protected or redeemed. Well, it's all lies. Once we understand that and accept it, life will become a whole lot simpler and easier to work through and our addictions, no matter what they are will become easier and easier to overcome. 

My plea to myself and to you is to just surrender!!

Philly Cheese "Chicken" Sandwiches (Philly cheese Steak only healthier)

I am always looking for creative ways to make chicken because let's face it...it's pretty boring. Red meat is so much more desired because it taste's better cooked. You don't even have to season red meat really because it has it's own flavor depending on what cut it is.
I learned my lesson on red meat because we ate so much of it two summers ago and I gained so much weight and didn't even realize what was causing it. We now cut our red meat down to maybe twice a week. So what do you do when you are a meat eater and you know you can't eat steak every single night? You get creative with chicken!
We have a little chicken song in our house and I would sing it for you but...no one wants to hear that. I had the day off today from work so I chose to use my crockpot. I know that people will put things in their crockpot and leave for the entire day but I just don't like doing that.

I again found this one on Pinterest. Philly Cheese "Chicken" Sandwiches (Philly cheese Steak only healthier).

I purchased:

• 3 chicken breasts ( you can buy more if you have more people to feed but since there are only three of us, three was all we needed)
• 2 green peppers
• 2 white onions
• 3 garlic cloves
• Steak seasoning
• Mozzarella cheese
• 1 pack hoagie buns

While I chopped my veggies I marinated my meat which you don't really have to do since it will be cooking in the crockpot all together anyway but, it's what I do...

You can use any type of seasoning you want but I found this dry and wet seasoning together that looked pretty tasty. 

Put your veggies and your meat in the crockpot together. 

Cook on high for about 5 hours and then I turn it down to low for an hour or so. Once it's cooked you can start shredding your chicken with a fork. I like to leave it warm for another hour just to let all the juices mix together and mix into the chicken. 

When you're ready to eat just spoon all this goodness into a hoagie bun, cover with mozzarella cheese (you can used shredded or sliced) and put in the oven for a few minutes on 350 until the cheese melts and your buns get crispy!

You can add jalapenos', or your favorite steak sauce on top ( I love the good ol A1 personally) and pair with whatever side you like. I just eat plain Lays chips but one and half smammiches is really all you need to feel full. 

Enjoy and let me know how yours turned out!

Giving back...One of my passions!

When my son was in 5th grade we decided to change schools and enrolled him in a wonderful non-denominational Christian school, Des Moines Christian. Below is his 8th grade class t-shirt. Class of 2018 baby! (but boy am I not ready for that grown up business)

One of the awesome things about Des Moines Christian is that in Bible class they require a certain number of Ministry hours. This is volunteer work of any type or working with anything regarding ministry to others. This was a bit of a challenge for me at first because well, as I said in my very first blog (I actually typed job there because sometimes it feels like a job), I am really good at being lazy. I am also very much a non people person. I like to just set at home and not really interact with the general public because well, people annoy me. But, this has been a huge blessing to me and my son because it forces us to break out of our bubble and actually do something that matters. Not only is it good to give back to those that have less than you but the Bible actually calls for it, Hebrews 13:2, NIV. "Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it."

One of our first volunteer ventures was with our own church, Des Moines 1st Seventh-day Adventist Church. There is a wonderful woman that I grew up knowing and loving who has been a great example of giving back to the community and this first job for us was with her. The SDA church here in Des Moines does a great job of giving back to the community by feeding and clothing the homeless. They go and park their van in downtown Des Moines and feed the homeless with both warm meals and things they can take with them. 

There were people literally lined up around the block. Many homeless from around the downtown Des Moines area that live under the bridges and many who are just to poor to purchase a good meal. I was working on the clothing table which I didn't get a picture of and it was very strange because people were very timid and didn't really want to come up and look at the things we had for them. You actually had to grab them and force them to tell you what size they were or what they might need. It was heart breaking and very humbling. 

Our next volunteer opportunity was with Meals from the Heartland. Meals from the Heartland is a non-profit, 501(c) 3 organization composed of volunteers who package meals for delivery to starving people around the world as well as right here in Central Iowa and elsewhere in the United States. Individuals, businesses, schools, churches and various civic organizations have come together to show the nation and the world what people who truly care can accomplish. This was am amazing experience to be a part of and see. The amount of people and food was amazing! It was 10 to a team and had to work in 5 different steps to package each meal. Our team of 10 packaged 1,080 meals in 2 hours. Pretty impressive!

Our next adventure in volunteer work took us to an amazing, amazing, amazing place called Hope Ministries. Hope Ministries has been serving those who are homeless in Des Moines and central Iowa since 1915. The staff are thee most loving and non-judgmental people I have ever encountered and the work they do on a daily basis is again, amazing. They are a Christ-centered ministry that provides programs and services for homeless men, women, and children with various places like Bethel Mission, Door of Faith, Hope Family Center, and the Hope Bargain & Community Outreach Center. 

Our first experience was delivering meals to the needy for Thanksgiving. On Thanksgiving day myself, my son, and my Dad went and got my Journey loaded with meals and quilts that were donated and delivered them to 9 different locations. We prayed with each family as we entered their home and gave them their meal. It was again another heart breaking and humbling experience. But it was wonderful to do and we felt the spirit of God as we walked into each home. I think we were more blessed than the people receiving the meals. 

On the way home to our own dinner we stopped off to the cemetery to visit some relatives and relive some history. This is a picture of my Dad and my son by one of the gravestones....

My goal and work in life is to strive to be a Proverbs 31 woman. Two of my favorite versus of the Bible come from Proverbs; 31:8, "Speak up for those who can't speak for themselves. Speak up for the rights of all those who are poor. Speak up and judge fairly. Speak up for the rights of those who are poor and needy". and 31:20, "She opens her arms to those who are poor. She reaches her hands to those who are needy". I urge you, go out and give back, whether you believe in the Bible and it's teachings or not, you should feel a pull to help those that have less than you and trust me, it will be thee single most rewarding experience you have ever had. 

9 Speak up and judge fairlySpeak up for the rights of those who are poor and needy.