Crickets....Crickets....Crickets....
That's what I thought. We've all been hurt. We've all been wronged. We've all been cheated. We've all experienced that hot knife of betrayal. We've all had some sort of experience at the hand of another person that has crushed us. We've been cheated on, we've been lied to, we've been stolen from, we've been talked about and slandered, and bullied. It hurts. I get that. Emotional pain is one of the hardest things to get past because it's extremely easy to let that pain fester and build into anger and resentment and we easily allow the thoughts of revenge into our minds and hearts. What we do with that hurt is more important however that the hurt itself. Would you prefer to wallow in that pain and constantly demand answers and spin your wheels in memories that you cannot change or would you rather live your life free of emotional pain and break the chains of bondage that the past can keep on you?
The Blame Game
Blaming other people for our hurt and emotional pain is typically the first place we start. Somebody did something to wrong us in some way that really mattered to us. We want an explanation and we demand an apology. We want them to acknowledge to us that they've hurt us and then we demand that they explain all the why's and what's of what they did. We beat them over the head with their offense. Blaming other people will only in the end leave you powerless. Sometimes there are no answers for the reasons people have hurt you. Typically people don't even realize in the moment that their action is going to hurt you or betray you. And typically, the person hurting you, has also been hurt. Hurt people, hurt people. When you continually blame people you give them the power. When you confront the person and demand answers that they don't give you, you are left with anger and hurt and no resolution. Your feelings are legit. You have a right to feel them, they are important. But once you have felt those feelings, you need to deal with them and then move on. Nursing your grievances against another person is a bad habit and it hurts you more than it hurts them. Most of the time when you're still setting and blaming them and hurting over their offense, they have moved on and aren't even thinking about you or what they did to you.
Stop Playing the Victim
Being the victim feels good. It's like being on the winning side of the team of you against the world. Guess what? The larger part of the world, doesn't care. Ouch! I know. That hurts to hear. It hurts to think that the world doesn't revolve around you and doesn't constantly think how you think, feel how you feel, or hurt how you hurt. You just need to get over yourself. Yes, you're special. You matter. Your feelings matter. Your hurts matter. But don't confuse "your feelings matter" with "your feelings should override all else, and nothing else matters". You and your feelings are just one small part of the grand scheme of things and you are interwoven into this big complex and messy world. You, and you alone have the chance and choice every minute, every day, every week, and every year to continue to feel bad about other person's actions, or to start feeling good and feeling happy. You need to take responsibility for your actions and your life. You have the power over your own happiness, and not to put such great power into another persons hands. If they're no longer thinking about what they did to you then why would you give them such great power of living in a past with them where they are no longer living instead of living right here, right now, in the present? Stop playing the victim of the past and look forward to the future.
Forgive...even if you can't forget
There are a million cliches about forgiveness and let me tell you something...they are all true. Forgiveness doesn't excuse the person's behavior. Forgiveness doesn't mean you are weak. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you forget about what happened to you. Forgiveness isn't for the other person, it is for you. Forgiveness lets the past be in the past. It releases you from the bondage of hurt feelings and past offenses. It releases you from the person that hurt you. You don't forget. You will always remember. Those hurt moments in your life shape you and contribute to your self worth, your esteem, your decisions, and your future. You remember that experience that happened and what you're supposed to do is learn from it and not make a bad choice or decision again. What you're not supposed to do is let it hold you hostage. What forgiveness does is softens our hearts to the fact that not one person in this entire universe is perfect. There was only one perfect person that walked this earth and that was Jesus Christ. When you are hurt and offended and want to hold the past against someone or beat them over the head with the "sin" they committed against you, ask yourself one simple question....What Would Jesus Do? When we sin against God all we have to do is ask Him for His mercy and forgiveness and His grace and it's done. He takes those sins and He throws them into the depths of the ocean and He never thinks of them again. "You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl our inequities into the depths of the sea" Micah 7:19. Forgiveness is a way of empathizing with the other person, and trying to see things from their point of view, and ultimately, having mercy on another person. You may never get an apology from the person that wronged you. You may never get an explanation. You ultimately have got to live your life with an apology you may never get.
Be Accountable
Express your pain, your hurt, and your anger, when you are able whether it's directly to the person who wronged you, or whether you write a letter you never mail, or whether you journal the pain, or whether you pray about the pain. Get it our of your system and then move on. Stop bashing the person over the head with it. Stop asking the same questions over and over. Stop expecting things you will never get. Getting it out will help you understand what specifically you are hurting about and then allow you to take accountability for your own part. Are you holding onto a grudge that you need to let go? Were you part of the problem? We don't live in a black and white world, even when it sometimes feels like we do. While you may not have had the same amount of responsibility for the hurt you are experiencing as the person that hurt you, there may have been a part of the hurt that you are also partially responsible for. What could you do differently next time? Are you an active participant in your own life, or are you simply a hopeless victim? Will you let your past and your pain become your identity or are you someone deeper and more complex than that? Are you withholding joy from your life and others lives because of the pain and hurt you feel or the offense against you? Are you robbing others in your life of you because you can't get past something that happened to you? Take accountability for your life and your actions!
None of this is easy stuff. I know it's hard. I am as guilty as the next guy for holding grudges and recycling offenses against me like little reels of tape in my mind. But pain, if held onto for too long can soon become like an old friend. Justified. Like it would be catastrophic if you just let it go. Grudges create little holes in your heart that allow Satan to walk into like an open door and fester and grow until your heart is so black that no joy and no thought of better life could ever possibly be possible. Living this way is not the life that Christ had planned for you. Your Creator did not design you to live in the past. By holding onto things that cannot be changed you are not living for Him. Satan wins by keeping you offended because if you are offended you are not being active for God. You cannot live God's will if you are resentful and hurt and angry. Nobody's life should be defined by their pain. It's not healthy and it's not normal. It only adds stress to our lives and it hurts our ability to focus, to study and to work, and it impacts every other relationship we have. Every day you choose to hold onto the pain is another day everybody around you has to live with that decision. Living in the past and holding onto that pain has consequences for you and everyone around you.
Remember, if we crowd our brains and lives, with hurt and offended feelings, we have very little room for anything else, including joy. It's a choice you're making to continue to feel the hurt rather than welcoming joy and contentment into your life. No amount of rumination or analyses has ever fixed a relationship problem. Never. Not in the entirety of the world's history. Stop dwelling on things that cannot be changed. When your past comes calling...HANG UP THE PHONE!
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