Forgive and Forget...Is that even possible?

Forgiveness...the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as revenge, with increased ability to wish the offender well.  Forgiveness is different than condoning, excusing, or pardoning and doesn't always mean reconciliation or restoration. I have struggled for years with this word and it's definition. I have talked with countless therapists, ministers, friends, and family and read book upon book trying to figure out what it is...

And what it is not...

I've struggled just as long with the actual act of forgiveness and how to do it, as I have with trying to understand what it is. 

I read a verse the other day that really convicted me, "Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love god, whom they have not seen." 1 John 4:20. Wow...heavy right? I set here day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year and hold anger, resentment, and yes, even hatred against people but at the same time I claim that I love God, love Jesus, and claim to be spiritual and religious. What a liar I am. And what a hard thing to admit. 

Do you continue to be angry with someone? Are you always thinking about how you want revenge? Do you still hold a grudge against your spouse for what they did years ago? How about a friend that betrayed you?How do we deal with our feelings, those betrayals and those who have betrayed us. How do we deal with our own betrayal of other people? The Bible tells us, "When you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against." Mark 11:25 But how in the world do you do that? Is it even possible? I don't know about you but I have had dozens of moments where I've tried to pray for my enemy or someone who has hurt me and by the end of my payer I have only discovered that I sat there and told God how much I hated the person and given Him all the reasons why He should just go right ahead and smite them on my behalf.

Several years ago I had a "friend" betray me in a way that would be described as unforgivable. I have family members who have stabbed me in the back, turned on me, spread slander about my name, talked bad about and to me, manipulated situations to benefit them and hurt me and turned other family members against me. I have then been told by those same people that I was the bad person, that I was a bad friend, that I was not to be trusted, that I was not deserving of love or respect and that I brought it all on myself. To say the least, I have had my heart broken and stomped into the ground. 

I have carried this pain with me every day for years. It has effected my mind, my heart, my emotions, my relationships with people and with God. It's exhausting!! I had to make the decision that I was not going to let these feelings consume me anymore. I want to share with you what I have learned about this process.

First, I think it behooves us to understand the devil and what he does to relationships between family members and friends. At the very heart of any hatred or argument, you will find the Accuser. He will whisper lies, he will manipulate, he will consume, he will influence. The devil can take what you are saying and completely distort it to the ear of the listener so it sounds like something completely different. He takes great pleasure in seeing marriages fail, adultery, fights, children suffering, mother turn against son, sister turn against brother. All of these betrayals cause our human hearts to be consumed with his destructive feelings. It creates these little holes in our hearts that he can stick his will into and turn into poison. 

Choosing forgiveness is the only way to prevent a bitter root from taking root in your heart and keep it growing. That is the way the devil gets a foothold into your heart. “See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” (Hebrews 12:15 NIV).
As far as forgiving goes, no matter what direction things go, for forgiveness to bring freedom, we have to offer it freely, with no strings attached. Not because the person who hurt us earned it, but because it’s Christ’s gift. If you are a Christian, no one’s sin, not even your own, has the right to hold you captive. That means you are free to forgive. You may not feel like forgiving, but that is where you ask for God’s strength. Ask Him daily for help until you are able to offer forgiveness freely to yourself and others. You have to almost live as if you have gotten the apology that you will never get because freedom is not contingent upon receiving an apology from those who have hurt us. Forgiveness leads to freedom and is possible because Christ’s death on the cross set us free.

This is something that I struggle with because I just really want an acknowledgement towards me, I want these people to acknowledge their wrong to me, how much they hurt me, the degree in which they negatively affected my life. The destruction that they left and how much work and time it took for me to gather the pieces of my life that exploded when they walked into it and did things without even a thought as to how it would hurt me. But what I have had to realize is that I will probably never get this from them. They are sailing through life and going on with their life, getting married, going to ball games, seeing their kids grow and be happy, working, enjoying life and most likely not giving me a second thought.

My constant thoughts of them suffering are only hurting me.

We also at some point have to have compassion for the mistakes that people make right? We are all human right? I want forgiveness for the terrible things that I have done and how do I expect to receive that if I don't have the courage to extend that grace to someone else? Is one sin greater than another? The Bible says no. That's a hard thing to wrap your head around also. Some of the things I regret seem to fail in comparison to what has been done to me but God sees them in the same realm of wrong when it comes down to forgiving us.
And why should I have compassion? Why should I tell myself that the person who almost destroyed my life deserves compassion? Well, because really, how sick and consumed with evil can a person get that basically destroyed your life and did so with such planned and malicious intent. You have to have compassion for someone that has been tricked by the devil because if you know what he is capable of, then you know how hard it is to resist him at times.

The only way for me to wrap my mind around this concept is to think about the simple fact that thank Almighty God that I don't get what I deserve from my Creator. Because what I deserve is a special place in hell for my sinful nature, my selfishness, and my spiteful and ungrateful spirit. But, because of His unending grace, His mercy, His love, His patience and His Son, I am forgiven for things daily that He probably wants to smack me upside the head over. This action of extending grace is extremely difficult right? I struggle daily. But, as soon as I start feeling that anger bubble and those feelings of revenge begin to fester I have to consciously and immediately make the choice to call out to Jesus to take those feelings away and replace them with pity. It took me a long time to be able to even muster the words to come out of my mouth. My immediate reaction was to only curse these people that hurt me so deeply and wish nothing but pain on them and their families. But the more I practiced it and the more I let the Holy Spirit take over my mind and my heart, the easier it started to become.

So what happens after you make the decision not to let anger and bitterness towards another person control you? Does it mean that you forgive, forget and become best friends? Sometimes. There are offenses that are as easy as that. You say you're sorry, they say they're sorry and you move on with life. But, there are situations where this is not possible. There are some situations where two people just cannot restore a relationship. It could be with a parent, a grandparent, a cousin, a spouse, a child, a sibling, or a friend. People often think mistakenly that because you're family you just have to put up with their destructive and negative behavior. This is simply not the case. God instructs us to forgive as He has forgiven but He knows that we are human beings and He does not expect us to continue to stay in an abusive and destructive situation.

The key phrase to that verse is "as much as depends on you". So you have to make the choice that you will not seek revenge, that you will stop the slander, that you won't gossip about the person, and you won't go out of your way to put yourself in a situation where you will be in the same room with them. 
For me, that meant I stopped attending a church I was born and raised in and attended my whole life up until this point. I have cut off having a relationship with certain people. There are family functions that I miss and that my little family misses. Does this hurt? Of course. Does it seem unfair? Absolutely. But, I know that it's what I have to do to maintain a healthy life free of anger and hate. I don't know that it will be this way forever but at this point, it is what it is. I accept it. And even bigger than accepting it is that I have surrendered to it and surrendered the situation to Christ. He will handle it in His time and all things will come full circle.

You see, without a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, forgiveness is completely and utterly impossible. Just because you stop thinking about something for awhile doesn't mean that you have forgiven the offense and typically you will find that it will surface with little reminders that Satan will whisper in your ear or obstacles he will throw in your path but what I have realized is how you handle the feelings is how you will know if you've truly forgiven. I have learned that we don't have to seek revenge, we don't have to control other people and situations, and we don't have to live with a heavy heart because Christ will make all things right, in His time. 

He is the great Restorer, Healer, Merciful, Advocate, Counselor, Comforter, and Defender and with Him ALL things are possible!!