My thoughts on Robin Williams....Depression/Suicide/Mental Illness...what I do and don't know from Christian Perspective

RIPWJ (Rest In Peace With Jesus) Robin Williams

I have refrained from saying or posting anything about Robin Williams death because I really didn't know what to say, and still sort of don't, but I'm gonna give it my best shot. I have grown up with this man listening to his comedy, watching his movies, and being inspired by his bright and shining attitude when dealing with his alcoholism and drug abuse. He has entertained us for so long and has been a source of happiness for so many people and bam, his life is just gone. Snuffed out. Way to soon. And by suicide of all things. Suicide is something that is so terrifying to me because I can empathize. I admit that I have had times in my life where I have contemplated suicide because it did seem easier to just escape than to deal with the, at the time, overwhelming emotional trauma. But, thank GOD, I knew that it wasn't the answer and I was able to reach out from that despair and realize that action would hurt the people that love me far more than it would solve any problems I had at the time and that stopped me. I have suffered from depression and anxiety/panic for a large part of my life and so have several of my family members and my friends. It's something I struggle with everyday in silence and I realize that so many more people than me suffer every day as well. My prayers and thoughts are with Robin's family and his friends, and with all of us who loved him as an entertainer. I don't know the demons that Robin wrestled with as he slipped that belt around his neck but I pray that Jesus was with him as his life slipped away. I pray that Jesus is with his loved ones now as they mourn his loss and try and reason through the instant feelings of the why's, the what if''s and the deep anger and sadness that is sure to plague them for months and years.

Depression/Suicide/Mental Illness

I refrained from saying anything right away about this loss because when something like this happens, I get so incredibly annoyed with how all of  sudden everyone on Facebook or other social media think they are an expert on suicide/depression/mental illness etc. Everyone has an opinion and they are sure quick to express it. I think until you've truly experienced something you can't speak for someone else and really shouldn't try to speak for someone else, ever.
I read a blog written by Matt Walsh published August 12, 2014 called Robin Williams Didn't Die From a Disease, He died From His Choice that really bothered me (he has since published a follow up after receiving thousands and thousands of angry responses) Depression isn't a Choice, But Suicide Is. Normally I agree with about 98% of the things he writes but this one about Robin really just struck me because as an up and coming addiction and mental health professional I felt that it was extremely uneducated, off the cuff, un-called for at the moment, and harsh towards mental health. It bothers me that there are people in the Christian community that seem to just ignore the facts of science and brain chemistry. While as a Jesus Freak Bible thumping Christian I firmly believe that all mental illness is ultimately caused by sin, I am not naive enough to think that prayer and prayer alone can solve all of it's issues. I say that from experience. I have prayed for a particular person in my life for years and years regarding their mental illness and at times I've seen improvement but ultimately it goes back to the illness taking over. This person refuses to admit that they have an illness, even though it's clear to so many around them. I have prayed for myself in battle against my panic attacks and my bouts of depression and what I feel I have been led to by the hand of God is to seek therapy and intervention of medication.

What I do and don't know from the Christian Perspective about Mental Illness/Depression

I am not an expert, I am not a Doctor, but I do battle it, I do feel it, I do suffer from it so I know enough about it that I can at least speak from my own experience. I do know that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that causes me to have panic and anxiety. I do know that if I am stressed out my symptoms get worse. I do know that I battle depression and I know that I can control my depression by talking to a professional that can help me work through the issues that are causing it. I do know that medication greatly helps me keep all  of this under control and I do know that I am NOT ashamed of my illness or the fact that I take medication to control it. I think the only shame in anything is when a person refuses to do anything, or refuses to admit that they need help because of pride or fear. I think that depression and mental illness have to be treated in a holistic way where mind, body, and spirit are all intertwined and treated together. We as a society have got to stop marginalizing mental illness as something that isn't a true and real disease. I think that far to many times the Christian community blames mental illness on satanic oppression/depression and makes people feel ashamed for having this illness because, they "must not have a good enough relationship with Christ or you wouldn't be sad all the time".

I think that people don't seek out the help they need or deserve because we as a society have made people feel ashamed by it. So many people have the feeling that they don't need some counselor coming into their life and telling them what is or isn't wrong with them. Or that seeing a counselor is something to be ashamed of. Mental illness has been criminalized because so many homeless people suffer from it and are homeless because of it and for some reason this society thinks that being homeless is a crime. Prison's are filled to the brim with people who suffer from mental illness and addiction and are not treated correctly or treated at all.

As Christians, it is our duty and responsibility to take care of and to care for the mentally ill, the addicted, the homeless, the poor, and the widowed. We as Jesus Freaks should NEVER EVER make someone feel guilty, ashamed, or less than or accuse them of just not praying hard enough or having a good enough relationship with Christ. Just because we are believers does not mean that we are immune from sin, develop chemical imbalances, depression, anxiety, or any other mental illness. Being a believer in Christ does not make you immune to these things and in fact makes you more vulnerable because the whole world expects you to be perfect and happy all of the time.

Death/Suicide

Death itself is such a hard thing to comprehend. I have three people in my life now that have died from deaths that really didn't make an sense to me at all. I understand death. I know that it has to happen. I know that we can't live forever in this earth but only can live forever in Christ. I am not afraid of death itself, like my life actually being done and over but the process of death is something that scares me and scares most people. I'm an not afraid to die because I know that when I do I will wake up to the face of my Savior (Psalm 23:4), but how I die, well...that's a pretty scary thing to think about. Death leaves a void in the hearts of the living, it leaves questions, especially with suicide, and it leaves questions on what is next. As a Christian I know that when we are saved in Jesus we have nothing to fear, including death because we get to go home with Him. I know that when I die I am asleep (Ecclesiastes 12:7)and that I do not suffer (John 11:11-14) and that I do not haunt. I know that when I die I will not watch over my loved ones and I will not visit them either in their sleep or when they are awake (Ecclesiastes 9:5-6, 10) and I know that nothing including death, can keep me from Christ or His love (Romans 8:38-39).

As a child I remember being told that suicide was the ultimate sin, that taking your own life was something that was unforgivable. As an adult I found that that is NOT a Biblical idea and there is nothing in the Bible that says that someone who takes their own life will not be in Heaven. But there are many versus that tell us how we can cope with feeling suicidal and that we are not alone (2 Corinthians 4:8-9) no matter how dark our future may seem. We are valuable to God (Luke 12:6-7), that God thinks about us and cares about us ALL of the time (Psalm 139:17-18) and that Jesus Christ will help carry your burdens that you feel are too heavy to carry on your own (Psalm 55:22). There are people from the Bible who thought of suicide and who did actually take their own lives (Numbers 11:14-15).

My Final Thoughts

Fellow believers and lovers of Christ...STOP your ignorant thinking and preaching that depression and anxiety are not real diseases or illness. STOP your ignorant behavior of teaching and preaching that someone does not need medical attention for their mental illness. STOP preaching and teaching that ALL people need is prayer or God in their lives. There is more science to depression, anxiety and mental illness than just a relationship with God. STOP shaming people in to believing there is nothing wrong with them.

To the depressed, suicidal or mentally ill what I know is that depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts or even attempts, are nothing to be ashamed of. I do know that suicide does NOT solve your issues, they only take your life and leave those who love you in despair. I do know that no matter how hard it seems, no matter the struggle, your life is worth more than that hardship and that you CAN overcome it. You CAN!!! I know that I love you, that your family loves you, that your friends love you. I know that your life is valuable even when you feel it isn't. I do know that you are not beyond help, beyond saving, or beyond loving and that you deserve to be loved and to have someone, anyone, lift you up and make you feel like you are valuable.

If you are depressed or suicidal PLEASE reach out to someone, anyone, ME, your Pastor, your parents, your teachers, local police or medical professional. Please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

If you recognize someone who maybe suicidal or in need of help for their depression, PLEASE, don't make them feel like they are just acting crazy. Take them seriously and educate yourself on depression and suicide at The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention  Take this seriously and do something about it instead of just ignoring it or thinking it's all in their head because while yes, it's in their head....but I doesn't have to be. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!

Does it matter what day we worship...Saturday or Sunday?

If you know me you know that I am a born and raised Seventh-day Adventist and if you don't know me, well, now you know! I have been taught since the day I was able to speak and understand words that my people are a special and peculiar people that are specially hand picked to be God's remnant people to carry out certain prophetic messages.

The first thing you need to know about SDA's....(throughout the rest of the blog I will refer to Seventh-day Adventists as SDA's for short) we're not a cult. Yes, we don't eat pork, yes, we don't believe in ghosts, and yes, we worship on the original Biblical Seventh-day Sabbath. No Ellen G. White is not our "Pope" but she is a confirmed and accurate Prophet and co-founder of our church. We are a 100% Bible believing doctrine and there is not one thing that we believe or practice that isn't Biblical.
This blog isn't necessarily supposed to be a "what do you weirdo's believe" but more of a current events update and how they apply to End Times. So, if you do have more questions about SDA's please feel free to leave your questions under the comments section, email me, or just click on the link above and do your own heartfelt and spiritually lead research.

The SDA world is in a buzz lately due to the events unfolding around the Catholic Church's new Pope. I wanted to just reflect on those and give my thoughts for those who are unaware of the relevance of these actions and to serve as a reminder to my SDA brothers and sisters that the time is drawing near for Christ's return.

So, to start just a bit of history. SDA's and the Catholic Church are on just about thee most opposite spectrum of doctrine as you can get. SDA's have always and still believe that the Sabbath will be the final battle between Satan and God and that the choice of whether to serve God or serve Satan will be the ultimate taking of the Mark of the Beast (666). There have been Sunday Blue Laws on the books in the country for thousands of years but SDA's are probably the only doctrine that has payed any attention to them because of our belief on worshiping on the true Biblical Sabbath.

 If you are SDA then Revelation Seminars are nothing new and in fact are ingrained into your mind. Daniel and Revelation are played out in front of you at least once a year showing the unfolding of End Time events and how our church and the United States will play it's particular part. What does the Bible say about the Sabbath day and when it is? The fourth Commandment: "Six days do your work, but on the seventh day do not work, so that your ox and your donkey may rest, and so that the slave born in your household and the foreigner living among you many be refreshed". Exodus 23:12

Let's just get to the bare bones of the matter...The Roman Catholic Church changed the Biblical Sabbath of Saturday to the "Lord's Day" of Sunday. Their Catholic Catechism clearly says this and any Priest you talk to will most likely have knowledge of this change. The reason for this change from the Sabbath of our Lord to Sunday, the day of the sun worshipers occurred due to two reasons, one was a desire to avoid being identified with the Jews, whose bigotry and downfall had make them unpopular and two, an equally strong desire to win the pagan sun worshipers and gain their adherence to the church. Our belief is that this departure from faith will be the great falling away or apostasy that will ultimately disclose the sin of man who opposes and exalts himself above all that is called God, or that is worshiped. This action of enforcing Sunday worship will come from the Antichrist and cause the world to take the Mark of The Beast by choosing either with their mind or with their hand to worship on Sunday instead of God's created Sabbath, Saturday.
You are at this point probably saying, "what, the Catholic Church changed the Sabbath? How? When?". Well let me prove it to you...

The earliest Sunday law known to history was that of Constantine promulgated in A.D. 321. It reads: "On the venerable day of the sun let the magistrates and people residing in cities res, and let all workshops be closed" (Haynes, 1928). I could go on and on about Constantine and the many Pope's of his day and the days that follow but let's get to the actual black and white proof from the current Catholic Church.
Haynes (1928) stated, ""Sunday is a Catholic institution, and its claims to observance can be defended only on Catholic principles...From beginning to end Scripture there is not a single passage that warrants the transfer of weekly public worship from the last day of the week to the first" - August 25, 1900"" (p. 46).
In 1893 the Catholic Mirror of Baltimore, MA, was the official organ of Cardinal Gibbons and in its September 23rd paper said, "The Catholic Church for over one thousand years before the existence of a Protestant, by virtue of her divine mission, changed the day from Saturday to Sunday". "The Christian Sabbath is therefore to this day the acknowledged offspring of the Catholic Church as spouse of the Holy Ghost, without a word of remonstrance from the Protestant World" - Catholic Mirror as pamphlet, The Christian Sabbath (pp. 29, 31).
There is also a paragraph in the Catechism that states under the heading "Cooperation by the Civil Authories Regarding This Commandment..."The civil authorities should be urged to cooperate with the church in maintaining and strengthening this public worship of God, and to support with their own authority the regulations set down by the church's pastors. For it is only in this way that the faithful will understand why it is Sunday and not the Sabbath day that we now keep holy" - The Roman Catechism (1985).
Believe it or not, they have even went so far as to remove the 2nd Commandment regarding idolatry and moving the fourth Commandment in the rest of our Bibles, "Remember the Sabbath Day" Commandment to the 3rd Commandment. Yes, believe it or not, the Catholic Church has a different Bible than the rest of us Protestants. If you don't believe me, go to any Catholic book store and look at their Bibles.

Take a look for yourself...

ARTICLE 3
THE THIRD COMMANDMENT

Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor, and do all your work; but the seventh day is a sabbath to the Lord your God; in it you shall not do any work.⁹⁰The sabbath was made for man, not man for the sabbath; so the Son of Man is lord even of the sabbath.⁹¹

* I. THE SABBATH DAY

2168 The third commandment of the Decalogue recalls the holiness of the sabbath: "The seventh day is a sabbath of solemn rest, holy to the LORD."⁹²

^{They go on to say on the same page....}

The day of the Resurrection: the new creation

2174 Jesus rose from the dead "on the first day of the week."¹⁰⁴ Because it is the "first day," the day of Christ's Resurrection recalls the first creation. Because it is the "eighth day" following the sabbath,¹⁰⁵ it symbolizes the new creation ushered in by Christ's Resurrection. For Christians it has become the first of all days, the first of all feasts, the Lord's Day (he kuriake hemera, dies dominica) Sunday:

We all gather on the day of the sun, for it is the first day [after the Jewish sabbath, but also the first day] when God, separating matter from darkness, made the world; and on this same day Jesus Christ our Savior rose from the dead.¹⁰⁶

Sunday - fulfillment of the sabbath

2175 Sunday is expressly distinguished from the sabbath which it follows chronologically every week; for Christians its ceremonial observance replaces that of the sabbath. In Christ's Passover, Sunday fulfills the spiritual truth of the Jewish sabbath and announces man's eternal rest in God. For worship under the Law prepared for the mystery of Christ, and what was done there prefigured some aspects of Christ:¹⁰⁷

Those who lived according to the old order of things have come to a new hope, no longer keeping the sabbath, but the Lord's Day, in which our life is blessed by him and by his death.¹⁰⁸

2176 The celebration of Sunday observes the moral commandment inscribed by nature in the human heart to render to God an outward, visible, public, and regular worship "as a sign of his universal beneficence to all."¹⁰⁹Sunday worship fulfills the moral command of the Old Covenant, taking up its rhythm and spirit in the weekly celebration of the Creator and Redeemer of his people.

The Sunday Eucharist

2177 The Sunday celebration of the Lord's Day and his Eucharist is at the heart of the Church's life. "Sunday is the day on which the paschal mystery is celebrated in light of the apostolic tradition and is to be observed as the foremost holy day of obligation in the universal Church."¹¹⁰

"Also to be observed are the day of the Nativity of Our Lord Jesus Christ, the Epiphany, the Ascension of Christ, the feast of the Body and Blood of Christi, the feast of Mary the Mother of God, her Immaculate Conception, her Assumption, the feast of Saint Joseph, the feast of the Apostles Saints Peter and Paul, and the feast of All Saints."¹¹¹

2178 This practice of the Christian assembly dates from the beginnings of the apostolic age.¹¹² The Letter to the Hebrews reminds the faithful "not to neglect to meet together, as is the habit of some, but to encourage one another."¹¹³

Tradition preserves the memory of an ever-timely exhortation: Come to Church early, approach the Lord, and confess your sins, repent in prayer. . . . Be present at the sacred and divine liturgy, conclude its prayer and do not leave before the dismissal. . . . We have often said: "This day is given to you for prayer and rest. This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it."¹¹⁴

2179 "A parish is a definite community of the Christian faithful established on a stable basis within a particular church; the pastoral care of the parish is entrusted to a pastor as its own shepherd under the authority of the diocesan bishop."¹¹⁵ It is the place where all the faithful can be gathered together for the Sunday celebration of the Eucharist. The parish initiates the Christian people into the ordinary expression of the liturgical life: it gathers them together in this celebration; it teaches Christ's saving doctrine; it practices the charity of the Lord in good works and brotherly love:

You cannot pray at home as at church, where there is a great multitude, where exclamations are cried out to God as from one great heart, and where there is something more: the union of minds, the accord of souls, the bond of charity, the prayers of the priests.¹¹⁶

The Sunday obligation

2180 The precept of the Church specifies the law of the Lord more precisely: "On Sundays and other holy days of obligation the faithful are bound to participate in the Mass."¹¹⁷ "The precept of participating in the Mass is satisfied by assistance at a Mass which is celebrated anywhere in a Catholic rite either on the holy day or on the evening of the preceding day."¹¹⁸

^{And a very important note...}

IN BRIEF

2189 "Observe the sabbath day, to keep it holy" (Deut 5:12). "The seventh day is a sabbath of solemn rest, holy to the Lord" (Ex 31:15).

2190 The sabbath, which represented the completion of the first creation, has been replaced by Sunday which recalls the new creation inaugurated by the Resurrection of Christ.

2191 The Church celebrates the day of Christ's Resurrection on the "eighth day," Sunday, which is rightly called the Lord's Day (cf. SC 106).

You can find further proof from a video straight from the mouth of a Catholic official...

If you understand the Bible and you understand God's promise and word to us and if you understand Satan and his purpose it's obvious. But, if you don't, I'll help in form you. From the very beginning of the controversy between God and Satan, it's been Satan's purpose to overthrow the law of God. 
In doing so Satan has perverted the doctrines of the Bible, and errors have become incorporated into the faith of thousands who profess to believe in God and his Word. There is a battle between the laws of men and the laws of Jehovah, between the religion of the Bible, and the religion of fable and tradition. 
Thousands of people have come to deny the very doctrines that are the pillars of the Christian faith. Many ministers and priests are teaching their followers, their faithful sheep, that the law of God has changed the law that he came to fulfill. God did not send Jesus Christ to die on a cross to change the law, but to fulfill it. "Do not think that I came to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I did not come to abolish but to fulfill. For truly I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not the smallest letter or stroke shall pass from the Law until all is accomplished". Matthew 5:17-18. 
It is the claim from many "Christian" leaders that  the enforcement of Sunday observance would greatly improve the morals of society. The claim is especially urged in America, where the doctrine of the true Sabbath has been preached. It's the goal of these ministers and church leaders to convince you that they are laboring to promote the highest interest of society and those who refuse to unite with them are denounced as the enemies of temperance and reform. 

So why do I go on and on and show you all of this proof? Who cares what day we worship? Well there are two articles that I found posted today from my own church website and also from national news....

Towards Global Law Sunday and Pope: No Work Sundays good: Not just for faithful. This has HUGE significance to the SDA because we have been predicting for thousands of years that from the change instituted by the Roman Catholic Church that eventually Sunday would be something that is required, not just observed. This small (or not small to us) move or statement made by the Pope is just a glimpse of what is coming. All that it would take would be one significant world disaster and the Pope along with the United States Government could call for "peace, peace" and ask that the world stop and worship God (which is great except) on one specific day. That day will end up being on Sunday because the greatest of all things that Satan the Father of Lies wants is for God's people to forget the day they were created and made to rest and worship on a day that was never meant for them. 
"Jesus said to them, "The Sabbath was made for man, and not man for the Sabbath. So the Son of Man is Lord even of the Sabbath". Mark 2.27-28.
White (1950) stated, "We may disguise poison by mingling it with wholesome food, but we do not change its nature. On the contrary, it is rendered more dangerous, as it is more likely to be taken unawares. It is one of Satan's devices to combine with falsehood just enough to give plausibility" (p. 587). 

My point in telling you non SDA's all of this and in showing you all of this proof is in hopes that you will question your faith, that you will question the doctrine that you've been taught your whole life, that the "traditions" of this world of worshiping on Sunday will be questioned and that you will question why you've been doing this your whole life. My desire is not necessarily that you will convert to SDA tomorrow, although that would be great, but that you just start to look at your Bible and what it says in a different way and that you will question it, question God, question your Minister, question your church and your church leaders. Delve into it yourself and ask yourself and talk to God about the truth He has been showing you for thousands of years. Keep a close eye on events that unfold about this Pope and what he has to say about the Sabbath day. Keep an eye on our Presidential administration and how the start to work with the Catholic Church, and just be observant with an open mind. I can promise you that you will see things that you never thought of before and never thought possible. 

My point in doing this for those of us who are SDA is to once again bring this topic to your attention and the importance of following what we know to be truth and showing it to the world. There is an old joke that I love, just because you have a car in your garage, doesn't mean you are a mechanic. And another, just because you set every Sabbath in a pew, doesn't mean you are a Christian.We have to stop setting in our pews each Sabbath preaching to each other. We have to stop thinking just because we were born and raised this way, or for some converted to this way, that everyone just knows the truth and we can just set complacent and just preach to ourselves.  SDA's, the world is looking for something right now. They are looking for a leader. Things are BAD. People are asking questions. They are looking for someone to step up and show them what to do, how to live, what they can place their hope in. We are it. We need to stop preaching at people and start preaching to people. 
Christ is coming. The Second Coming is near and He is going to be looking for those of us who will stand for His truth even during persecution and tribulation. This world is a disgusting vial mess and there will be a time very soon that our beliefs are going to be questioned and we have to stand up with good reasons why we are doing what we're doing. We are going to be persecuted and thrown in jail for our Sabbath worship. Mark my words. We are called to be set apart from this world. Our lives are in constant question. We have to not just say it but show it. 

We can't convince everyone, but we may be able to convince a few.  

References:
White, E. G. (1950). The Great Controversy (5th ed.). Battle Creek, MI: Pacific Press.

Haynes, C. B. (1928). From Sabbath to Sunday. Hagerstown, MD: Review and Harold.

Reid, G. E. (1996). Sunday's Coming. Hagerstown, MD: Review and Harold.

All other references are linked. 

Broken Ankle...UPDATE

I write this and my original blog Pretty (Miserable) In Pink in hopes that I can share my experience just to get it off my chest and that in hopes maybe it will help someone else out there that is just starting this journey. I'm well aware that ALL my social media friends and family are probably really sick of hearing about it but, until it happens to you, I guess you'll never know why someone would just go on and on about it. This is just one way for me to let it out.

So just to catch you up...on May 17th 2014, I was hanging out at my BFF's house, having a great time when all hell dumped down on me in a one single stupid klutzy moment. I walked down two steps and missed one and down I went. Broken ankle. Having went through a severe car accident when I was just 13 that literally almost killed me, and tons of other terrible and heartbreaking crap in my adult life that I thought might have just about emotionally killed me...I can say this is just about thee worst thing that has happened to me both physically and emotionally. I spent 4 weeks in a non-weight bearing cast and basically bed ridden because of the pain and just not being good on my crutches.
When I went to the ortho for my 3 week appointment I had really high hopes that I would get out of my cast and into a walking boot but that didn't happen.

Instead I came home in this stupid shoe and was told that I could "start" putting weight on it. The shoe didn't help one bit because the bottom of my cast was not flat so trying to walk around was useless. I ditched it after the first day. 

I thankfully didn't deal with much itchiness in my cast or at least nothing that I couldn't handle but I did have tons of dry skin that wouldn't go away no matter how much lotion I put on my leg. 

During this time my son's 14th birthday came which brought my parents up from Texas for his annual summer vacation trip down there with them. This is usually the best time of the year for me. It's summer time, it's my kiddo's birthday, my mom and I get to spend one on one time together, we always go out to eat, and just have a great time together. This year I was home bound the entire time. I was and still am really bad on these crutches and living on the 2nd floor of an apartment doesn't help. I can't get up and down the stairs on my crutches so I have to sit down on my butt and scoot down and up them which is exhausting. I am really really out of shape in case you're thinking, wow...that chick is a wimp. My arms just aren't strong enough to carry my full body weight for that long and I'm realizing at this point that I have been my own worst enemy for being so lazy about losing weight and working out. So, while everyone was out having a great time I was home feeling sorry for myself, in pain, unable to really get around, and the depression was setting in, big time. I was missing everything and feeling it. 

My right leg has been bearing all the weight for my body at this point for a little over 4 weeks and it's starting to feel it. It swells constantly and I have to wear a brace on it to keep the swelling down and keep it from hurting. 

I took the above picture 4 days before I got my cast off and posted in my Kevin Hart voice..."All day...every day"... I was so ready to get this cast off. In tears basically every day I was just done with this injury and looking really forward to getting back to work. Yes, I have not been working. I've been on short term disability this entire time. I can't shower so sponge bathing every morning, butt scooting down and up my stairs and crutching across a gigantic parking lot to get into work is just not appealing nor physically possible for me right now. But, I was so ready to get back to it. 

I went on Monday June 30th for my 6 week appointment looking forward to the cast coming off and thinking I would be put in a walking boot and able to finally get back to work and back to my life. I got the cast off and was shocked! The shear amount of dry skin was so disgusting. It didn't stink as bad as I thought it would so that was a relief. When I went to get xrays it was so weird because I had to use my crutches and doing that without my foot solid in this cast was a weird feeling. It was flopping around and weak and unstable. Geez you guys, I thought I was unstable on crutches in the cast but the way I felt without the cast...wow, what a difference. I get back from xray and Dr comes in and tells me that the bone is healed and I can start walking with my crutches until I feel comfortable without them. I was so full of questions and in awe that I could actually walk. I asked if I should wrap it up, what kind of shoes I should wear, how to get up and down stairs, etc. He basically said, whatever you feel comfortable with. At this point I am thinking he's going to put my walking boot on and so I ask if it's ok to wrap it under the walking boot and he says, I don't want you in the boot. SHOCK! What????!!! You mean I can just walk out of here with nothing on my foot???? 

No follow up appointment, no physical therapy, no walking boot...nothing. I was told that I would have some swelling for a few months and that was it. Dismissed. Dr was gone. 

The next thing that happened was nothing I expected because I wasn't told...my ankle and leg was so weak and sore. I stepped down on my foot and it was immediate pins and needles and weakness. I walked out on my crutches very slowly and very carefully. I was in shock the whole ride home. I thought as soon as I got my cast off that I would just walk and everything would fine but that was not the case. 

I got home and just toodled around on my crutches and was feeling pretty good for awhile. I was in total relief that I had this stupid cast off and my leg and foot could actually breathe. It's covered in 6 weeks of hair and dry dead skin but....whew!!! Relief!!!

I went back to work the next day. Even though I was told that he didn't want me in the walking boot, I put it on anyway because I just didn't feel safe without it. The walk into work usually takes me about 5-8 minutes but this day, it took me 20. Luckily one of the managers came walking up behind me and offered to carry some of my things and opened the door for me. It was nice being back and getting all the excited welcomes and wanting the story and feeling like I was missed. I was fine for most of the day but the walk back to my car at the end of the day was very hard and as soon as I got into my car I started crying. It was a very stressful and eventful day. I got home and butt crawled up the stairs and the minute I hobbled into the apartment the tears just really broke free and I was a incoherent bawling mess, sweating my ass off, exhausted both emotionally and physically, it just came out. I got my boot off and my foot and leg were so swollen and sore and I was pissed. I didn't expect it to be this hard. 

Second day, just as bad. Very slow. Very sore. Third day, I've about had it. I go to work without my boot thinking it might be easier but my leg and foot ached so badly that I was in tears that I was hiding from everyone. Nothing feels worse than crying alone and trying to hide it from everyone while trying to put on a brave face. 

I called my ortho and asked for a handicapped parking pass because the walk into my building is just to damn hard. I wad denied saying he wanted me walking. Well, I get that. But, giving me a little advantage doesn't seem that hard to me. He obviously doesn't get how far I have to walk and how hard it is. I ended up being able to get one from my regular physician without even having to talk to her or paying a co-pay and in my head I told my ortho to SUCK IT! He hasn't done anything for me. He didn't tell me what to expect at all. He didn't warn me how sore I would be or slow I would be. He didn't tell me how much pain I would be in. He didn't tell me anything and I am feeling really angry.

Now on my fourth day I am having stabbing pains running up the back of my leg and I am really really sore. Luckily the swelling has went down and little bit but this is just showing me how much muscle atrophy I have and it's very depressing. 

I am in constant pain. My elbows hurt from the pressure of the crutches. My right ankle hurts from all the pressure it's bearing for my whole body. My "healing" broken ankle hurts because it's not strong enough to walk on. My back hurts from all the weight and strain. I basically cannot walk or move without pain in my entire body. I have been doing research on muscle atrophy and exercises to do after breaking an ankle and I've been doing them. But I am angry because I've had to do all this by myself without guidance from my Dr and then he denies me a handicapped parking pass...I'm just really pissed.  I feel like I didn't get the care that I needed or deserved from Dr. Shulte and I am just mad and depressed and sad. 

The reactions I get from people vary. Some are very empathetic and talk to me and are encouraging and others are shocked and in awe and act stupid like they have never seen someone with an injury before, others are not empathetic at all and basically tell me to suck it up and think about others who have it worse than me, others tell me it will all be fine and they don't understand why I am being so dramatic. It's all a big ball of strange emotion that I have never felt before. I am angry and frustrated because I am in so much pain and I just want with all of my entire soul to be normal again. It is really hard to be positive and think about other people that have it worse when you can't take a step without being in pain and crying. 

I have been depending on Christ this entire time to get me through this and I know that He has a plan for me and that He won't let me go through this alone. I know that this painful path He is letting me go down is for a reason and I know that He is carrying me and that He will bring me through it. That is what comforts me. I talk to Him the entire time I walk and I ask Him to protect me and to guide my path. 

Thankfully He has given me my husband who broke his leg and was in a cast and on crutches for almost 6 months and knows the pain I am in. My husband has been my rock through this whole experience waiting on me hand and foot, doing all the grocery shopping by himself, taking me to my Dr appointments and being incredibly patient as I butt scoot up and down the stairs and as I cry like a baby when I'm done. I am thankful as sorry as I feel for myself because I know it could have been a lot worse but I have a long road ahead of me and I know that. That is probably the hardest thing is just knowing how slow of a process this is. I think that God is trying to teach me patience but at the same time I don't want to be so proud that I can even imagine what His plan is. I just know that I have to take each step one painful one at a time and put my faith in Him that something positive will come from this and I will find out what that is and be incredibly grateful for the experience. 

Until that happens I just want everyone to know that is just starting this journey that it's ok to feel bad, to feel sad, to feel angry, to depend on other people, to ask for help, to feel sorry for yourself. I know that I'll eventually be ok and you will be too. It's just a long road but don't feel bad for feeling bad on that road. 

Let me tell you something about FAMILY...

When I was growing up I thought I had a pretty big family. I had Grandparents and Great-Grandparents that lived very close. In fact, right in the same neighborhood. I had cousins and Aunts and Uncles that lived close. I remember vividly having wonderful family get together's right outside my door. It was because of two great people that we were all so close.

My Grandma and Grandpa Courtney were thee patriarchs of our family. They were the central point where everyone gathered. They were the reason that we gathered. They are my real first memory of what family was and is. They were strong, they were loving, they were problem solvers, they were fun...they made all of us. I saw something funny on Facebook the other day about a Grandma that was in the midst of a family get together and said, "If it wasn't for my vagina, all these people wouldn't be here". Well, that totally reminds me of these two because if it wasn't for them...

Once my Grandma passed away and my Grandpa became too sick to continue the family get together's we all drifted apart. We all became to busy with our own lives to make time for each other and of course in every family, there is always some sort of drama or dispute over something that drives rifts between people that are supposed to love each other. Luckily over the years I've been able to create my own relationships with my cousins and Aunts and Uncles and I choose to make sure the relationships and communication stay there because I value them in my life.
Because of family drama on my mom's side of the family I never got to spend time with them. It wasn't until my Grandpa became sick that we started spending time with them and it was only on holidays that I got to see any of my Aunts or Uncles or Cousins. Luckily with the invention of Facebook I've now been able to get to know them all and we get to see each other more often. It is sad though that I missed out on so much of my family because of some stupid dispute that the adults couldn't solve.

When I met my husband I thought all of this "small family" business was going to change. He has a big family on both sides that all seemed very close and spent a lot of time together and I was excited at the possibility of having an extended family that would love me like their own. I do have some very special memories of time spent with them but, I also have some really bad ones as well. You see, sometimes personalities just don't mesh, even when you try so hard to please people. Over the last 15 years we have went back and forth and back and forth, fighting, bickering, not speaking to each other, and abusing one another. Of course we all have our stories of why this has happened and we all have blame to place. The one thing I know for sure is that my son and my nieces and nephews are like me as kid, missing out.

I started writing this blog on my son's 14th birthday June 14th. It's taken me some time to get my thoughts together because while his birthday is so special to his Dad and me, it doesn't seem to be very special to other people so with happiness, it also brings sadness. It brings memories of past birthdays that have been ruined because of the attitudes of family members who have never accepted me or my son. It's beyond me how grandparents can choose to have nothing to do with their grandchild but I've had to learn to live past the pain of it and just accept that it is what it is and just double and sometimes triple the love we give to him. We have had to surround ourselves with people that value us, that love us, and that choose us to be in their lives as much as we choose to be in theirs. We have had to mourn the loss of this family that has completely cut us out of their lives for reasons we just can't comprehend and instead embrace even tighter the ones who are there for us.

In the midst of the sadness we realize however that "family" isn't always blood. They aren't always people that you've grown up with or spent years with. We have my parents, my mom and my "other" Dad, Ken. If you know me, you know that I despise the word "step" when it refers to parents or in-laws and my "other" Dad doesn't deserve to be called a "step" Dad because he's more to me than that simple and rude word. He came into my Mom's life and he loved her and he took care of her and along with that he welcomed me into his family and a part of their lives. His friends became our friends and his family are our family. When our little Killian was born Ken instantly became "Papa" and they developed a very strong bond right away. Ken never looked or treated Killian as anything other than his Grandson and the fact that blood didn't connect them didn't matter a bit. The same went for all of his family. Years ago when Killian was very little he started calling Ken's brother John, Uncle John John. It was so sweet and so pure and it stuck and now we all call him Uncle John John. He looks at me and Killian as much as a neice and nephew as he does his blood relatives. He proves that by the way he signs Killian's birthday cards...

We have friends in our lives that we value and friendships that developed years and years ago and these friends have become part of our family. It doesn't matter how long we go without talking or seeing each other, we pick right up where we left off. I thank God for them because I know He gave them to us to make up for what we might be missing elsewhere.

So while there are times that we are sad and become bitter over things we can't control, thank God there are moments where He steps in and shows us that He is making up for what we think we've lost. I have to trust His plan and know that all things work together for His good.

What painful family stories do you have that you want to share? What things have you done to accept the situation for what it is or what things have you done to try and change it? I want to hear from you!

But as the days of Noah were, so shall also the coming of the Son of man be.

Since I broke my ankle and I haven't been able to get to work or even out of the house really, I've had a lot of time to observe and to reflect. I'm a big user of social media but most of the time I'm so busy with other things that I miss things or I just don't have time to really ponder something and form a response to it. Watching the news and seeing events unfolding and seeing how people talk and act on social media and the way they portray their lives has me really coming to a lot of conclusions. 

One conclusion that I have come to is that there are two kinds of people in the world....those who are preparing for Christ's Second Coming and are concerned about their salvation, and those who are simply, NOT. Like, at all. 

If I were to pluck another Bible verse out that describes the current state of our world it would absolutely be..."For the coming of the Son of Man will be just like the days of Noah. For as in those days before the flood they were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, until the day that Noah entered the ark,..." Matthew 24:37-38. If you observe things the way I do, I'm sure you'll agree. 

Let's review quickly what happened before the flood. Since Adam's transgression  and the murder committed by Cain there was a curse on the land. There was decay on the earth, but there was still beauty, just like today. People were going about their business, working, living, having children, traveling, marrying, partying, etc, etc. Just like today. But one thing was wrong with this picture. See God created man to praise and worship Him and to live in harmony with Him, but just like today, that wasn't happening. Even though God would have given them anything their hearts desired they relied solely on themselves and sought to gratify the desires of their own proud hearts and reveled in things of pleasure and wickedness. They no longer desired God or things of God. They soon began to deny His very existence and took it upon themselves to say that all the great things they had, were because of themselves. They glorified human genius, worshiped things they made themselves, and taught their children to bow down to graven images. Polygamy had been introduced contrary to God's original design of marriage giving Adam one wife, a woman, and were starting to follow their own desires and taking on more than one wife along with their possessions at will and against will. If a man wanted something that belonged to his neighbor, he just took it, by force and they delighted in destroying the life of animals and the use of flesh for food made them more cruel and bloodthirsty until they basically gave no regard to human life. 

The earth was corrupt and filled with violence and the wickedness of men and women were open and daring. Lust and sexual sin was rampant and people were flippant towards their God that created it for one man and one woman. Justice was trampled under the feet of wicked men and the cries of the oppressed were reaching God's ear.

God decided that he would give a warning to the people but that because of the evil and corrupt nature of the world, He was going to destroy it. Along game Noah who worked tirelessly warning the people that a great flood that would destroy the world was coming and that they should repent and get on the boat. Of course, people then thought he was a nut case. They called him crazy, they insulted him, they made fun of him, they spat at him, and they claimed their idols would save them and they didn't need Noah's God. 

Pretty scary stuff. If I had to use my imagination I could set and picture these events playing out. The sad thing is, I don't have to use my imagination because it's all happening in front of me, now, in real life. 

Appetite is indulged without restraint. People who claim to be followers of Christ are eating and drinking with the drunken and indulging in sinful activities while they hold positions in church like teaching Sabbath school classes and being Elders. People care about nothing more than when the next party is happening and indulge in drunkenness and it's dangers without regard to the consequences. 

People feel no moral obligation to life or to curb their sensual desires, they are complete slaves of lust and do what they want, when they want. Men and women or living for the pleasures of this world and this life alone. 

Murder of the unborn is no big deal and places like Planned Parenthood make hundreds of thousands of dollars murdering the unborn daily. Self-proclaimed feminists like Sarah Silverman are walking around talking about the unborn as nothing more than "goo". Our precious unborn are murdered daily all in the name of "women's right to choose".  

Feminism has turned from a right for equality into a into a radical movement that hates men, feels like children are balls and chains and nothing more than an obstacle in the way of a woman and her career and that marriage is nothing more than legal rape.  

The pride of the strong Proverbs 31 woman has basically been trampled into the ground. Women like Michelle Duggar and her beautiful daughters are made fun of and their lifestyle is called old fashioned and sad. Saving yourself for marriage is considered dorky and uncool. 

And sexual sin...don't even get me started. There are currently several television shows that glorify polygamy. Lust and sexual desire is so mainstream now that we don't even bat an eye. Books like 50 Shades of Grey are straight up porn for the avid reader and set on bookshelves along with books on history and politics and religion like it's nothing. 

The traditional idea of marriage of one woman and one man has become hate speech and Christian businesses and business people are being sued in federal courts of law because they stand on their convictions. The homosexual agenda is being forced down the throats of society and if you say you don't agree with it you are accused of being a bigot and intolerant Bible thumper. Even if you love the sinner but hate the sin, it doesn't matter to these activists, they are willing to put you jail for hate speech and hate crimes if you speak out against them in any way. They want tolerance but are unwilling to tolerate the Christian view point. You are targeted by gay rights activist group if you are a business owner and forced to do things that violate their religious rights. 

The Government is constantly fighting against Christians with examples like the new Obamacare and forcing Christian owned businesses to provide contraceptives and abortion funding that goes against their religious rights. 

Common Core is trying to brainwash our children into little government following sheep and teaching things like Obama is the Messiah! 

Planned Parenthood wants to teach our children sex ed at a younger and younger age and honestly people, the things they are teaching and doing are downright scary and illegal!!

Our guns are being taken from us, our rights are being stripped, our President is a terrorist, liar, and criminal and so is everyone under his administration. Natural disasters are occurring daily, famine is widespread. Abuse to all humanity is rampant. Children are being killed in school shootings. I mean, I could go on and on but I think you all get the point. 

Yes, the world today is a pretty scary place to be for the Christian. We are ridiculed and made fun of, hated and abused. The more we try to preach the Bible and teach the love of Christ and beg people to repent of their sins the more we are silenced and hated.

False prophets and false religions are popping up everywhere in places like Long Island Medium and all of the popular ghost hunting shows. Satan has his grip on this world and is infuriating it daily through men and women that are supposed Christians but are teaching nothing more than heresy. 

We are warned over and over in the Bible about these things yet people just seem to want to ignore all of the signs around us. "Don't be fooled by what they say. For that day will not come until there is a great rebellion against God and the man of lawlessness is revealed--the one who brings destruction" 2 Thessalonians 2:3. The text goes on to say in verse 4 "who opposes and exalts himself above ever so-called god or object of worship, so that he takes his seat in the temple of God, displaying himself as being God". 

Rebellion is also interpreted in the Bible as "falling away" if you read a different version of this text. The term "falling away" or as it called in some other texts as "apostasy" means; to depart from revealed truth, to lead away, seduce, mislead; to defect, to blind the eyes of the people by manipulating the truth; to turn one from the truth by lying sings and wonders. Matthew 24: 4-12, the Lord Jesus Christ specifically warns all bout this time which is coming and there are many people still waiting for it to happen. The eyes of our society have been blinded to all that has happened over the past 20 or 30 years and it's still happening. We have been desensitized to what we can see right in from of our faces, so much so that society can no longer discern right from wrong, the holy from the unholy, the pure from the profane. Television assaults us daily with violence, all manner of adultery and sexual immortality, foul language and the so-called "alternative lifestyles. The music of today spews out a message of hatred of all that is clean, pure and orderly. Rap music glorifies prostitution, abuse against women, the love of money, and killing each other over these things. Gang violence is glorified. Rebellion is the norm and with the exception of a few courageous men, women, and children, people seem to be willing to turn their heads and look the other way. 

I am quite sure that by what I have written and expressed I've made a lot of people angry, I might even lose some friends. I cannot be afraid to do this because Jesus tells me, "For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart" Hebrews 4:12. 

We are living in the days of Noah my friends and we are living in the days of the end. Just because you may not believe it, choose not to believe it, or want to hide under a rock and ignore it, doesn't mean that it's not true. There will be many more things to come before the Second Coming and as for me and my house, we serve the Lord. It's imperative for me to tell these truths to you whether you like them or not, or whether you like me or not. 

My never ending prayer for you is that you will take notice and listen to the Holy Spirit and His call to you so that you won't be lost.