Ok...I'm sober...now what?

Quitting any bad habit or addiction is as much about changing surroundings, people, and schedules as it is about remaining dry. To break a bad habit, you have to replace that bad behavior with new positive behavior. To quit an addiction not only requires that you quit the substance but it also requires that you change your routine and supplement the negative using behaviors and patterns with positive and healthy ones.

I have found in my 51 days sober (today) that I have many triggers and if I do not keep myself busy my mind can drift to wanting to drink pretty quickly. Although I would say that after the first 2 weeks the cravings really weren't as horrible as I had anticipated. I thank the Lord for that! I've had my stressor and trigger moments for sure but with His help I have passed through them with not a significant amount of pain.
Prior to getting sober if you would have asked me what I do for fun, I would have said, nothing. I do nothing. I go to work, I come home, I cook, I do school work, I go to bed. Occasionally I would go visit with friends to drink in a different environment but other than that, I did a lot of isolating. If I would have told you what I thought sobriety would have looked like, I would have given you a big thumbs down, booooorrrrring. But honestly, my life was boring even being drunk. What I have discovered this side of sober is that I feel completely different. My life actually is just beginning. Nothing was as boring as a half-lived, forced, sad, or redundant life as that that requires alcohol to live it. I did not need alcohol to enjoy entertaining myself before I started drinking and I don't need it now. My goal is to make my life feel as though I never drank a drop in my life.

So what do I do now? I do the same exact things really, except now, I get to really experience them. I get to experience life without having the fog of alcohol on my brain, I get to see things through a sober lens, I get to feel actual real feelings without the contempt I once had and the feeling that everyone was out to get me and was against me. I feel clear, I feel happy, I feel content, I am starting to really feel normal again and that is the best feeling in the world. DOING NORMAL THINGS ARE FUN!!! I sure never expected to feel this way. I had completely forgotten what it felt like to read a book, go shopping, set outside and enjoy the sun, do yard work, watch tv, cook, or simply just set and talk to my son. Toward the end of my drinking career these things all felt so torturous at times, so monotonous, so much so that I had to incorporate drinking to make them more enjoyable or interesting. This is not uncommon. Drinking alcohol artificially activates the pleasure center of the brain at above normal levels, and over time the brain has to compensate for this over-stimulation, trying to re-establish homeostasis by dulling our ability to receive pleasure from normal things. As a result we are literally not motivated to do the things we normally would love to do, and when we do, we don't get as much joy from them. Removing alcohol from my life has allowed me to actually enjoy the mundane in life and actually and genuinely enjoy it. A week ago, I was actually thrilled to go out and pick weeds out of my yard and sweat in 90+ degree heat. I WAS THRILLED!! Before I quit drinking, I would have came up with every excuse in the book to avoid that task.

The habits I have now created are making sure that I get up early and spend time with God. I have taken up the hobby of Bible Journaling, which I will share with you in the near future in another blog. I do my school work with a clear brain and I don't dread doing it. I am learning so many things about addiction and substance abuse and psychology and I can literally feel my brain healing and creating new bumps!! I enjoy watching a good movie or tv show without pausing it a million times to get up and refresh my drink and pee. I love to get outside now and see nature and the animals that make my property their home. I have picked up blogging again. I have also taken up being a pen-pal and setting down and writing genuine and caring letters to people and being creative. As time has expanded without numbing agents, the world has became so much more vivid and big and so has my need to bring forth creativity that has been locked inside me. Cooking no longer seems like such a mundane task because now I am eating healthy and I am enjoying tasting new things and creating new recipes. I am actually enjoying eating at a decent time and eating a full meal instead of waiting until 8 or 9 at night and either eating junk or wasting food. I even enjoy doing things like cleaning my house and laundry which is a HUGE change.
You might ask, well what do you drink now that you're not drinking alcohol? As I mentioned in my previous blog in the first few weeks of my sobriety I probably drank 20 gallons of lemon water. Now I enjoy not only that but making delicious and healthy smoothies, and I have been experimenting with flavored carbonated waters.  I love to snack on pumpkin seeds and nuts and cheese, fruit, beef jerky, popcorn, and yogurt. I have lost weight which is so awesome, I am no longer bloated, and I no longer feel like a worthless piece of crap taking up valuable space and air. I have started working out and while that is still something I do not completely enjoy, I am going to force myself to make that part of my routine because I know eventually I will like it and I will see results.

I am definitely still very much an Introvert and enjoy my alone time but now my alone time feels productive and creative and warm, instead of accusing and lonely. Instead of setting and feeling sorry for myself or dwelling on all the things I've done wrong, or all the people I've hurt or turned away, or all the people that have hurt me and how much I hate them and how I want revenge against them, I now think about how much I love everyone and everything. I am now remembering all the good things about people that I used to despise and laughing about them. I am no longer easily annoyed and agitated at the little things in life. I am choosing to be positive, I am choosing joy, I am choosing to be grateful. I daydream about my future and all the great things I want to do and I have found forgiveness in my heart that I didn't know existed. I'm no longer annoyed by going to the grocery store, or driving, or being in public. I used to just absolutely despise and hate people but now...well, I still get pretty disgusted with people but I am able to tame my feelings and be humbled by the fact that the Universe no longer revolves around me and my feelings.

"Alcohol addiction stunts the spiritual, emotional, and mental growth of a person. For the alcoholic, they literally stop wanting to learn or advance themselves on any level other than the one they are already on. This is why many alcoholics are emotionally stunted and are unable to contain their emotions. Many alcoholics believe that once they are sober for a few months they are cured. Nothing could be further from the truth. An alcoholic is not cured just because they stopped drinking. Remember, "the drinking" for the alcoholic is only a symptom of an underlying problem within him or her. Total sobriety takes more than abstinence--it takes a spiritual and mental awareness through healing and growth. I have never yet read about, or heard of a case where an alcoholic stopped drinking, but then years later they were able to drink one or two drinks and stop." --ANGIE LEWIS, The Alcoholism Trap

One of the biggest side effects of sobriety is that we begin to see the world with different and new eyes. We begin to feel things in our hearts in a new and more meaningful way. I am in total awe at the world around me and so much more aware of others and their feelings. I am walking with intent and looking at where I am going and where I have been, and admiring the wonder of the world we live in, how we got here, how miraculous it is that we make it through every day, and how insane it is that we are a tiny dot within an infinite universe that God has blessed us with, and what a privilege it is to be alive. I have found myself and again and I am beginning to life myself again. Before while I was drinking I over analyzed myself constantly. I thought every thing about myself was wrong including my tastes, my style, my heart, my opinions, that I was a liar, a cheater, a falsity, and a pathetic human being that did not deserve to be loved. Now I have discovered that I am pretty cool! I have a lot to offer. I have confidence in myself and my talents, and I am thankful for every breath that I take and I absorb compliments and love with such gratitude and humbleness.

There are SO many positives about not drinking than there are for drinking so when I hear someone say how boring life is without alcohol I just want to remind them of a few facts that I have experienced in the last 51 days...
1. You will immediately start having more money. No more blowing money on booze and then feeling guilty about it.
2. Your brain will begin to heal and that foggy feeling will slowly but surely go away.
3. Your liver will begin to rejuvenate and repair itself in as little as two months and you will notice dramatic improvement in your skin as well as your vision.
4. Your face will being to clear up and your complexion will show it. Drinking causes our facial features to deteriorate, and our skin to look dull and dirty. So get used to your friends and family telling you how great you look!
5. You will never again have to face a hangover. GLORIOUS!!!!
6. You will start to feel remarkably better within just a few days with renewed energy and you will start to feel like you have been given a second chance, and you have!
7. No more random drunk texts or Facebook posts that you have to go back and apologize for or delete and feel embarrassed about for days.
8. Your natural energy will return and you will find that you're sleeping soundly and awakening more refreshed. You no longer have to fight and struggle to overcome the previous nights drinking or rely on caffeine to make it through the day.
9. No more late night runs to the gas station for more booze...and no more worrying about whether you have any in the house.
10. Even if you're the type (like me) who loves sleep and hits the snooze button, you'll be amazed at how much better you feel when you wake up and that feeling will be the new normal.
11. No more missing work because of a hangover and then feeling weird going back the next day because you missed a day. Even if you really hate your job, you'll have the energy to look for a new one and being sober will be a bonus for looking great at your interview!
12. Your five senses will return better than ever. Your hearing and vision will improve, food will taste and smell better, and every touch will mean more than ever seemed to.
13. Your friends and family will admire you for having the strength to quit and you will be a great example to them as to how they can improve their lives as well.
14. You will no longer feel trapped by addiction. You will feel like you've been released from prison, and speaking of prison...you can stop looking in your rear view mirror to make sure the cops aren't going to pull you over for driving intoxicated.
15. Even the little things will start feeling amazing like the sun on your face, taking a walk, or gazing up at the stars at night.
16. NOTHING will ever come between you and your Creator again. You will being to appreciate the miracle of life, and the astonishing fact that YOU are alive.
17. You will feel better than you have in years because all the sickness and tiredness that you've felt will be a thing of the past. You will have an overall sense of well-being as your mind, body, and soul become healthier and stronger.
18. You will feel more empowered with a new sense of self-worth because there is nothing like overcoming a major obstacle to make you feel proud and self-confident.
19. You will constantly smile and laugh and it will actually be genuine, not the drunken stupidity of the past.
20. You will realize how many blessings you have.
21. You will be more optimistic about your future.
22. All the little aches and pains throughout your body will slowly and surely go away. Alcohol magnifies all those little aches and pains because it was constantly robbing your body of the necessary nutrients by preventing vitamin absorption. Without alcohol in the way, those aches and pains will soon be a thing of the past!!

Still think that removing alcohol from your life is boring or not worth the time? I know that this is my journey, and not yours but if you have been feeling the opposite of anything I listed above, you might have a problem and you might want to take a look at making some changes.

I can tell you as a drinker of over 12+ years...I LOVE BEING SOBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have come out of the closet...

"Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit." Ephesians 5:18

Recently I "came out of the closet" and admitted that my life had become unmanageable and that I was and am an alcoholic. I came into recovery on June 13th of this year, working the AA program and handing my will over to my Higher Power. A LOT of people never knew and were surprised. I did a really good job ( or at least I thought ) of hiding my secret. I grew up a Christian and in the church, not a lot of people would have thought I would succumb to addiction. It just goes to show, addiction is not picky in who it attacks. Our secrets only make us sick, and I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.This is my story...

As, I said I was raised in the church and as a Christian. I went to church school as a child, attended services every Sabbath, had good Christian friends, all that jazz. As a child, I was your every day typical overprotected church kid. Then things changed. I got into my teen years and after enduring the very painful and stressful divorce of my parents, I went buck wild in rebellion and I did every single thing I could do to defy everything I had ever been taught about right and wrong. I was promiscuous, I smoked cigarettes, I smoked pot, I did LSD, I smoked meth, and I drank. A lot. I was addicted to marijuana for over 6 years, and I have been drinking since the age of 15. My alcohol use varied through the years of just binging with my friends on the weekend into my adult life of drinking more heavily and every day. 

The reason I share my story with you is because I wasn't your typical face of alcoholism. Sure, in my early years I was a total bar hopper and partied on the weekends but as of the last 6 years or so, bars are a place I don't step into, in fact I hate them. I went to work every day, held down a job, missed a few days here and there because of a hang over but most days I would go even with one, I paid my bills, usually on time, I am married, I have a child, I am a full time student. I have never went to jail, never got a DUI, never lost anything major because of my alcoholism I just lived life. But I was indeed your poster child for hypocrisy. I made excuses for my drinking saying that I was stressed and I deserved a drink after a long stressful day at the office. I avoided social situations that did not include alcohol, or that would look down on drinking. I chose not to participate in things like church or school activities with my son because I wouldn't be able to drink there. I avoided family get together's that would exclude alcohol. My closest drinking buddies and family knew that I drank, a lot. But many people never knew, at least I don't think they did. I am probably delusional in that thought. Specifically I did everything I could to hide this little secret from my church family. Having been raised a Seventh-day Adventist, our health principles and practices strictly prohibit the use of tobacco and alcohol. I knew that if my church family ever knew my secret that they would be greatly ashamed and disappointed in me, so instead of attending church regularly like I did as a kid, I just walked away. It was easier to make excuses not to go and continue in my addiction than to go and face them knowing that I was lying to them. I didn't wake up every day and immediately start drinking. I never got the shakes or got sick because of a lack of alcohol. I went to work every day, came home, and drank. I would eat something right before bed, go to bed either buzzed or drunk, wake up, and do it all over the next day. I have been living that pattern for 12+ years. I will not lie and tell you that nothing bad ever resulted from my drinking. I have suffered tremendously with problems in my life because of alcohol and I have done some pretty stupid and reckless things. Something else you should probably know about me is that I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks and an occasional bout of severe depression. I have been taking medication for that for over 8 years, and drinking on top of it. 

This year I started my Master's degree program in Christian Counseling in Addiction and Substance Abuse Disorders. Six months prior I had earned my Bachelor's degree in Human Services with the dream of becoming a social worker. I believe that I was led to my current program by the Lord because I believe He felt it was time to deal with my own addiction. Again, I have been the poster child of hypocrisy and it was time for that to end. I knew that I had a "drinking problem". I knew that I drank to much. I knew that I was wasting so much time and money on alcohol, and I knew that I had ruined friendships and ties with family because of my addiction, but I just never found that all of these things were enough to make me want to quit. I just made the excuse over and over that I was a functioning drunk and that was just who I was going to be and be damned anyone or anything that was going to try and tell me otherwise, and if you didn't accept me for me, alcohol and all, you didn't need to be in my life. I made my Mom sad because every time she was here from out of town to visit our entire weekend was built around my drinking. I was drinking my lunch and dinner on many occasions, and on holidays I would make huge dinners that would go to waste because I didn't want to ruin my buzz by eating. Last Thanksgiving, my mom made me promise that we would all set down at the table and eat together which forced me to tailor my drinking to wine instead of beer so that I could eat. I could never eat and drink beer so when I knew that I was going to have to eat I would drink wine or margarita's so that I could continue drinking and not get bloated. 

Soon after starting school I started to realize that I was an alcoholic but I was definitely not ready to accept it or do anything about it. I have been working at a company for the last 2 years and few months that put me in a situation that was highly dysfunctional and extremely stressful...again I believe the Lord was working here as well...and in March of this year the stress just got to be too much. I started going to a therapist thinking that it was just work related stress affecting me but in May things started to spiral out of control and I literally felt like I was losing my mind and on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I went back to the Dr and got better and more suitable medication for my anxiety and depression and I made the decision that it was time to put down the booze. I quit cold turkey on June 13th, 2016, the day before my son's 16th birthday. The first few weeks were tremendously difficult because I had built my whole life around drinking. I had rituals built around it. Even something as simple as going to the grocery store, I would come home and the first thing I would do would be to crack a beer. On the weekdays the urge to start drinking would hit around 4 pm but on the weekends it was whenever, even as early as noon. I think in the first 20 days of my sobriety I probably drank 20 gallons of lemon water just to keep my mind off of drinking.

I went to my first N.A. meeting 24 days sober and that was the first time I had ever said, "My name is Jessica, and I am an alcoholic" out loud and I could barely get the words out without choking down the tears. As painful as that was however, it was so incredibly freeing and felt like the Lord had just lifted a thousand pound brick off of my chest that was created out of bad memories, ruined friendships, a million hang-overs, shame, anxiety, depression, and guilt. The community that N.A. and A.A. have built is made up of some of the most compassionate and non judgmental people I have ever met and the walls of those rooms are incredibly peaceful because in them, I know longer have to hide my secret. I can freely admit who I am because every single person there is just like me in one way or another and they welcomed me with open arms and told me to "keep coming back". Finally, a group of people that finally wanted me!! 30 days sober I officially admitted on Facebook and Instagram to my friends and family, including many people that I went to church with that have known me since I was born, that I was an alcoholic. That was terrifying. As I hit the share/post button my hands were shaking in fear of how people would respond. I have not heard from some, they have been silent, but for the most part everyone has been extremely supportive and have offered extremely kind and supportive words of love, and prayers. I have found a community of extremely supportive sober people on Instagram and Facebook and it is an amazing feeling that complete strangers, yet Sister's and Brother's in Christ, can offer such kind and supportive words. It has been an incredible blessing. 

Over the years I have prayed and prayed and begged for God to take the desire to drink away from me, with no answer. For a long time I felt that He had abandoned me in my addiction and that I was just lost, alone, and left to my own strength, which was none at all. I now know that I was completely wrong. I now know that all of the difficult experiences I had endured were stepping stones that God was setting in front of me in order to beat this disease. I struggle daily to say no, when stress hits and emotional feelings that I would have normally drank numb hit, I am forced to confront them head on and deal with them instead of hiding. The rituals and habits I have built around drinking are still there and everyday I have to make the choice that I will not drink. I have conquered numerous weeknights and weekends not getting drunk. I have conquered triggers where I have been around people who have said things like, man I just want to go home and drink a beer. I have conquered my first visit to a restaurant where I didn't have to waste food or take home a doggy bag because I didn't want to ruin my buzz. I have nailed my addiction to The Cross and have turned my entire will over to Christ admitting that my life became unmanageable, and I did not and do not have the power to stop drinking on my own, that I am completely and utterly dependent on Him and His power. My anxiety and depression have lessened to a point I haven't felt in over 12 years. I go to bed every night sleepy and content and I wake up every day refreshed and ready to tackle the day with new eyes and a new heart. While I will struggle every single day, and for the rest of my life with this battle against booze, just for today, I beat alcohol's ass! 

Dr. Ben Carson's Trump Endorsement...

My frustration with politics is just about boiling over...I have made it MORE than clear I am NOT a Trump fan/supporter and if he ends up being our only choice, unless God intervenes in a major way, I will abstain from voting or will write in my vote. With that being said...I am pretty sick of seeing who I consider a very Godly man, Dr. Ben Carson, being bashed and ridiculed with some of the nastiest comments from so called Christians, because of his endorsement.

Some of these so called Christians (I.e. Matt Walsh for one) who bash Trump on a daily basis for the nasty things he says have said just as nasty and disgusting things about Carson, which is the definition of the pot calling the kettle black. I agree that Trump has made some major mistakes in his life, career, and this election, however, he is a human being. A fallible human being, just like the rest of us. No sin is greater than another and we ALL fall short of the glory of God, right Christians??
The wonderful thing about being a follower of Christ is our unwavering faith in His design, plan, and will. Gods providence tells us that we don't know, but we know God knows and every time we allow our flesh to control us and doubt the will of our Creator we are essentially telling Him He doesn't know what He is doing, that we in our pathetic minds know better. How incredibly pompous and disobedient we are. It makes me so ashamed. It makes me fall to the foot of the Cross grasping the ankles of the Man who died for our sins, begging Him for forgiveness. Forgiveness that I don't deserve. The same forgiveness that some think Trump doesn't deserve, and would probably be right. But we ask for it right? We pray for it, we hope that God shows us His goodness and His Mercy. Does Donald Trump not deserve the same mercy that we ask for? Who are we to say he doesn't?

My mind screams NO at a Trump Presidency and my mind screams NO at a Carson endorsement but my heart screams something else. My heart is telling me that God uses people. My heart tells me God desires ALL to come to repentance and be with Him in eternity. My heart tells me that God wants a relationship with ALL of His children and that He will and can move Heaven and Earth to make that happen, if He chooses. My heart tells me that Dr. Ben Carson is led by God and that God has big big plans for him and for some reason Trump is within that plan. I am no one to question that and neither are any of you.
God may very well be using Ben to influence Trump and witness to him, and to show him Gods love and mercy and forgiveness. God may just be calling Trump into repentance and into a relationship with him and if one of us with our judgment and unforgiving hearts say or do anything to prevent that, we WILL be held accountable at the pearly gates. We are not to say or do anything that would cause our brethren to fall and stumble and we just may be guilty of doing that.

A friend said that she did not know how God could use Carson to influence Trump. This belief or in my opinion, unbelief, says that God cannot redeem the drug addict, the alcoholic, the liar, the thief, the adulterer, etc, etc, etc. In my heart I know that is WRONG. The Bible tells me that is wrong. Does God lie? Do we dare continue calling God a liar by continually trying to control this election? I fear that would be a major mistake.

I am praying for our country, this election, the candidates, and us as voters. I am praying for Gods will and I am praying and trusting He is in control of 100% of this whole circus. I am praying that Donald Trump finds a relationship with God and repents for his mistakes. I believe in miracles. I believe in second chances. I believe God can take the worst of the worst and create something beautiful out of their mess. I have to believe this because otherwise I being one of those worst of the worst cannot be made beautiful, forgiven, righteous or saved. I would suggest that all of my fellow Christian brothers and sisters fall at the foot of the cross, ask for forgiveness, and remember that Christ died on the cross to save Donald Trump as much as He died to save us.

Small Rant: My insides are on FIRE!

There is a level of discontent, anxiety, pulling, and burning fire inside me that I just cannot seem to shake. It's somewhat similar to the feeling that you know there is something you are supposed to do but you have forgotten what it is and no matter how hard you try to remember it's just not coming and it's driving you literally mad!

It's a fire that is burning everything around me because I can't concentrate, I am ridden with anxiety and dissatisfaction, I am grumbling and sharp, I am annoyed, I am harsh. I cannot shake the feeling that there is something else in this life that I am supposed to be doing, other than what I am doing. I am so unhappy with my current job not because it's necessarily a bad job but because I know deep within my soul that it is not what I am called for, it is not what I am meant for. I am so hungry for the word of God, for praise music, for politics, for worship, and these needs are not being met. I set at my desk all day and I just think about what other things I could be doing like reading my Bible, or studying, or talking/debating others about God's word, or serving others, or something....something different than what I am doing. I am the daughter of a Risen King and I know in the depths of my soul that I was meant for a higher purpose!!

Among a few other books like my journal and planner, my Bible travels with me wherever I go and I cannot stop looking it. It's distracting me, I can see it out of the corner of my eye. It's calling me and pulling me away from the things I am being paid to do. I am in constant prayer. I am constantly struggling with God in my mind begging Him to answer me, to speak to me, to help me, to lead me. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't concentrate. I feel like Jacob wrestling with God and holding on to Him demanding that He bless me and I won't let go unless He does!

In fact I am finding it hard to even formulate these words together in a way that flows because my mind is spinning so fast and going in so many different directions I can't feel that I even make sense!

I feel myself becoming more and more combative towards this world. Secular music (with the exception of one passionate band, Blue October) falls on my ears like annoying noise. Television anymore makes me just sick to my stomach because it is so full of the homosexual agenda pushing same sex marriage on every commercial, not withstanding even a commercial about dinner. Sex and seduction are rampant on every show, on every commercial. Now there are three different shows; Bad Angel, Lucifer, and Damien, that are basically making demons and Satan look like fond childhood friends. The love of fame and money are so prevalent among our society that anyone and everyone has a reality television show. I am unsatisfied with my daily work because I am serving a big money hungry corporation that doesn't even care enough about their employee that they allow them to stay home and work during a snow storm and make each employee feel as if their job is in danger if they stay home sick. Every day it is about the almighty dollar...something that is going to burn in the end, something that will not go to eternity. The multiculturalism (and not in it's true form) in our society that is changing the very definition of biology of what makes a man and woman different, or the fact that truth has no longer become fact but relative towards someone's opinion, is overwhelming and incredibly frustrating to deal with. I have always been an introvert (possibly a result of being an only child) but I have become so incredibly anti-social because dealing with all of these emotions just completely drains me of any energy to want to socialize with people. Christians are being murdered and persecuted every minute of every day and no one, including our own President seem to care or want to protect our rights. Every opinion or religion other than Christianity is praised, protected, and supported by new crazy laws. We are literally creating laws that violate the very constitution and no one seems to care. Our college campuses are turning into havens of entitled, self absorbed babies who have to call a "time out" during a debate because they don't know what it is like to have their feelings hurt or to have an opinion that differs from someone else and handle it like an adult.The events of this world just plague my mind and soul and I want to do something, I want to make a difference, I want to lead others to Christ, I want to witness, and I want to serve and I feel like I have this stranger living inside of me and it is ripping up my insides and screaming trying to get out. I look at how many people close to me have died, how many celebrities are now dead, and dying, the people in my life that are being diagnosed with cancer and other diseases and I am literally shaken to my core that I don't know where they stood or where they stand for Christ. I am fearful and I am ridden with anxiety over the world that my precious son is going to inherit and I struggle daily to fight against all the lies that swarm around him.

Social media like Twitter and Facebook, Instagram, and others are full of people with opinions that they love to share but the large majority of people are just shooting off their mouths with no real substance or purpose, they just want to argue, and good luck trying to voice your opinion because you will be called every name in the book, especially if you bring up the name of God. Politicians are dirty, rotten, liars, and cheats and no one seems to really want to educate themselves on policies or politics but yet want to set back and complain when something happens they don't like. People love evil, they wear it proudly like a badge of honor. The scream their evil from the mountain tops and they demand with laws, that everyone listen or they will sue, or some other ridiculous thing. 

Christians are asleep and have been for a long time. We have wolves in our churches. Satan is not attacking us from the outside but he is joining our churches and attacking from the inside while we set back and wonder what the heck is going on. Our leaders and our members are so afraid of offending someone that they almost refuse to admit that Satan exists, that sin exists, and that we're all committing sins against our God that are in the least disgusting and at the greatest going to cost us our everlasting lives! 

We are feeling the birthing pains that God told Eve she would feel and I for one am in a great deal of pain. I feel myself waking up from a slumber that has literally been killing me and it is painful to face my Creator and realize that He has been calling me, whispering in my hear, tugging at my heart, and pursuing me like a husband chases after his beloved wife, and like Jonah, I have been saying no Lord, no, not me, and certainly, not them. I have spent so much of my life asleep at the wheel pretending that everything is as it should be. I have dismissed my own sinful behavior as nothing more than petty sin that God will always forgive. I have wasted my life pursuing ventures and pleasures that lead to nothing more than the loss of my very soul. I have done things to cause my sisters and brothers to stumble and fall. I have excused the sinful behaviors of others in my circle because I thought I loved them and didn't want to hurt their feelings when what I should have been doing was pleading with them to stop and think about what they were doing. I have ignored a call from God because I was too afraid to step on some toes, I was too afraid to be persecuted, I was too afraid of losing something or someone. I have ignored God's call to love other's that are unlovable because I was better than them or I knew more and they weren't worthy. I have failed. I have been asleep. 

I have come to the harsh realization that I expect love and mercy but I don't know how to give it. I have become so intolerant towards others not realizing the simple fact that God puts people in our lives that are completely and utterly unlovable and demands that we love them because He loves us, and He wants us to see the great extent of His grace, mercy, and unconditional love for us. I have discovered that the truth will set you free but first, it will make you utterly and completely miserable. I have come to the conclusion that while I love my friends and I love my family and I love my neighbor I am so incredibly sickened by sin that I can't even bare at times to make eye contact with others because I feel such shame and contempt for what they are doing and what I am doing and even more significant...what we are NOT doing. I have discovered that if my soul is not completely and utterly on fire for the Lord and His word then my life is an utter waste and disgrace. 

So now what....Now that have I worked all out in my head and now that I have gotten out what I know, what do I do now? How do I resolve these issues in my mind? How do I go on? How do I ease these anxieties in my mind and heart? Friends, I honestly do not have a clue. I know however that I must continue on, I must keep fighting the good fight, I must keep being the voice of truth and righteousness now matter who or what comes against me. I must hold on to Christ like my life depends on it...because it does!! I must continue praying and pleading with God to lead me to where He wants me. Each night I lay down and each morning that I wake I must plead with my Creator to use my hands, walk in my feet, speak through my mouth, and I must completely surrender my will and my flesh to Him. I know I have a higher purpose and I must continue to beg and plead with God to make my life worthy of His Kingdom. Will you join me? Will you join me in prayer, will you join me in the great awakening, will you join me in determination that there is nothing greater in our lives than winning others to the Kingdom of Heaven? 

Personal Testimony

Today, instead of blogging about one of the thousand thoughts in my mind or working on the paper I have due this week, or reading one of the dozen books stacked on my coffee table calling my name, I was wasting some time on Pinterest. But...I think now I wasn't wasting time because I ran across a picture that inspired this blog.

So begins what I share tonight as my personal testimony... this is a long story so please, indulge me. 

I am going to share with you some things that normally people wouldn't share either because they are scared or possibly ashamed. I am both...but I don't want to hide anything because that would lesson the point of my message. I want to be as real and a raw as I can be so that you all can be inspired and blessed by my story. This is a difficult story to tell because while most of it is negative and bad, I have so many good memories and things I hold close to my heart. I think it's because in those bad things that I did, I grew and developed, and I learned about the real world and if it had not been for those experiences I probably wouldn't be the strong God fearing woman I am today. I feel as though I can experience shame about some decisions yet feel pride that I came out of them alive and better than ever! It's my story and we all have our own story and while there are things that we might regret, none of it is so bad that we can't look back and smile on some of it. 

To set the stage for my testimony I want to start by giving you some history about me...I am a Seventh-day Adventist. I was raised in a Christian home and school. I was dedicated to God as a baby and I attended church every Sabbath, along with Sabbath school and my normal education in a Christian school. I was raised around other Christians who believed the same things that I did. On Friday and Saturday night I was either at church, at home, or spending the night with my bestie Jamie and her family who I now consider my second parents/family. I never questioned how I was being raised or the activities that I participated in. Church and Jesus were my life and as a child, that is all I needed. As I grew older and into my teenage years I started to question things, rebel, and experiment with my own identity. My parents began having issues in their marriage that I became fully aware of when I was around 11 years old. Consequently they divorced when I was 13 and that event in my life was a huge turning point. ( If parents get anything out of my story it is that your children suffer when you make the choice to separate from each other, even if you try and do it in the most peaceable way possible. What you do and the choices you make will forever impact them.) My story is probably going to come off as a really bad reflection on my parents and while I hate that and I want to defend that, I simply cannot. I will say that I don't tell this to hurt my parents, to disrespect them, or to shame them in any way and I want to say that I love them both very much and I know that the decisions they made or the things I was allowed to do was done out of the very best that they had at that time and they both did what they could with what knowledge they had. 

Back to my history....At 12 years old I met some people who were not the normal crowd that I was used to at church and boy were they fun! I had a boyfriend, I was sneaking around behind my Dad's back, I was dabbling with alcohol, and listening to new music. When my parents divorced my Mom and I moved out on our own and that's when the party really started. I was FREE!! I was still attending church school and never once in my life did I deny the existence of God but He sure wasn't setting in the front seat in my journey anymore. In fact, He was replaced as my driving partner and Satan quickly took His place. Honestly, in my mind at that time I was just having a blast. I was a little social butterfly and I was on top of the world. By outer appearances you would have thought that I was a normal, happy, healthy teenager. On the inside I was dying inside. My family was torn apart. I was depressed. I was getting in trouble at school. I was making choices and decisions that I knew in the depths of my heart were wrong but Satan had me convinced that everything up to that point was what was wrong and that I deserved to be happy and to party and to do whatever I wanted. I even started getting involved with the occult and Satanism. Eventually I got involved with someone who was far to old for me and if I have to be completely honest, by all accounts would be considered today a child molester and one sick SOB for even looking twice in my direction. I was going to school every day dressed all in black, I was too cool for school, and I had attitude for days! Something was about to change to rock my little world...

Let me just pause here for a second to put emphasis on the core of this story...Satan hates family. He hates God. He hates followers of God. He hates children. He hates marriage. He hates love. He hates light. For years even before I was a twinkle in the eye of my parents, Satan has been plotting, planning, and preparing to destroy my family. Like a perfectly designed chess board he had all the players right where he wanted them. He had my parents divorced, fighting and pitted against each other with me smack dab in the middle, he had my Dad depressed and disconnected, he had my Mom so angry and bitter toward my Dad that it clouded her judgement and distracted her as a Mother, and he had me involved with a man that was 8 years my senior, drinking, smoking cigarettes, and beginning to dabble in Marijuana and trying to act like a grown woman in a relationship that I had no damn business being in and was far to immature to understand at 13 years old. He had us fighting over some stupid issue or another which caused me to write a stupid letter to distract me from my surroundings and on September 23rd, 1993 he made his move. 

My boyfriend came to pick me up from school and we headed to go see his daughter from a previous relationship. We left that location and before heading home stopped at QT on the corner of SE 14th and Watrous. I was looking down reading the letter mentioned above not paying attention to the fact that my boyfriend was about to turn left on a yellow light. As he did so Satan came disguised as a 78 year old drunk driver barreling towards us in a 1960 something Ford station wagon at 55 mph. He slammed into the passenger side of the 1990 Ford Probe I was setting passenger in. I never saw it coming.

From what I am told the police and ambulance showed up and it was mentioned by an EMT that he was surprised they were not taking someone away in a body bag. The next thing that I knew I woke up in a hospital bed in the worst pain I had yet to experience with my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend-baby-momma-drama and their daughter in her lap holding my hand. As you can imagine, I was in shock and wondering what in the world happened. My Mom and Dad explained that I had been in an accident. The results were a punctured lower intestine that was spilling poisonous bile into my body, a black eye and facial contusion's. 

I believe that was a Wednesday and that Friday I went into surgery to repair the damage. The surgeon literally had to take out all my intestines and run them through his hands to find the quarter size hole and repair it. As you can imagine, my parents were a mess! My Mom could barely function and my Dad was in fear that I would die having been living in the gutter of complete and utter sin and rebellion against God. I came out of surgery and was moved out of the ICU. I believe I came out of that surgery with 23 staples in my stomach, the second surgery with 17 and to this day I get to look at a 6 inch scar on my stomach to remind me of that day and the days that followed. 

About a week after surgery thinking I was doing better I started throwing up while still having an NG tube in and experiencing pain and went back into surgery to find that my bowl had kinked together and was blocking all the food I had been eating back into my stomach. I clearly remember when they took me to surgery the second time how scared my Dad was and as I was drifting off to sleep from the medication that was preparing me for surgery he was begging me to pray and to give my life to Christ because there was a chance that I would not come out of it alive. I was lucky to even be alive period. I remember praying but complaining of tired I was. I can't tell you how grateful I am that he made me do that because I know my life was in danger and I know that because of the outpouring of prayer by my parents and my church family God saw fit to keep me on this earth. 

I spent approximately 30 days in the hospital during my 8th grade year because of this "accident" or as my Dad puts it, an attempt on my life. You might be asking at this point what happened to the boyfriend driving the car. Well, he walked away with a minor scratch on his head, came to see me twice in the hospital and before I got out ended up moving out of our apartment and back in with his ex-girlfriend. I guess the pressure of having me almost die in his arms was just too much for him to handle. That was a blessing in disguise that I wouldn't realize until a few years later. I now had to face going home without this person who I thought loved me, face the 30+ days of school I had missed, and the long, long recovery including a long and drawn out lawsuit against our insurance company that did not want to pay for my recovery after finding out the transient drunk driver had no insurance or home. I'll spare you the details of the many return visits to the Doctor because of the major stomach problems that I endured because of my injury's and now at almost 37 still deal with. 

I won't tell you that this story has a fairy tale happy ending and that I returned back to the good little Christian girl that I started out being because that would be a lie. Satan wasn't done with me yet. I struggled for my entire teenage years with alcohol and drug abuse, one bad relationship after another, promiscuity, dangerous people in my life, 3 more car accidents, and a horrible on and off again relationship with my Dad. It wasn't until my mid twenties that I made a public stand for Christ in the baptismal waters and even after that Satan was still working full force at destroying my life, my marriage, my child's life, and my sanity. I have struggled with deep depression, anxiety and panic disorder, guilt, anger, and fear. It has taken me a long time to learn that a relationship with Christ is the one and only way to battle the devil. 

So begins the GOOD NEWS...

I have learned that the farther away from God I drift the worse my life is. I won't tell you that having a life in Christ means you will never struggle. Being a Christian doesn't mean that we don't face trails. We face many trials and sometimes it seems as though they are more difficult because we know who is behind them and it isn't flesh and blood that we struggle with but the powers of darkness that seek to destroy us. 

The closer you come to Christ the more Satan is going to work to attack you which is why it is so incredibly important that you do NOT delay, or waste one single second of your life on anything other than seeking the Kingdom of God. Satan attempted to take my life at 13 years old but I was dedicated shortly after birth to Christ. I was claimed by a God with more power than Satan could ever dream of having. I am saved and I am the daughter of a Risen King!!! I can claim victory over my enemy because of Christs death on the Cross!!! I still may stumble and fall, I still struggle, I still fight, but I have a Heavenly Father who fights with me and for me. I may not be where I want to be, but I sure as heck am not where I used to be and the fires I go through are worth it because I understand now that in order to make me worthy of His Kingdom, I need to be refined in that fire so that I can come out pure as gold. 

Friends, family, and readers that I love so much....please take this seriously...Our years, our months, our weeks, our days, our hours, our minutes, our seconds...none are promised to us. We live this time by the grace of God, our Creator and we should not take them for granted for one second. ANYTHING can happen at any moment. You may think your day is going along just fine and BAM, something happens and your life is gone or in danger, or the life of someone you love is in danger or gone. We are not entitled to one second on this earth and we don't deserve one second of breath. You must always at every moment you are living remember this and be humbled by the time that God allows you to have. This is the reason that I talk about Christ every single day. This is the reason that I pray for every single one of you. This is the reason that I urge every single one of you to accept Christ as your personal Savior and accept the free gift of Grace and Salvation that is offered by His sacrifice on the Cross. I will NEVER stop. Until my dying breath I will tell you of the love of God and NOW is the time to turn your life to Him. Not tomorrow, not a month from now, not a year from now, not when you think it's convenient for your daily life, not when you think that you have solved all your issues or you've attempted to better yourself to come to Him. NOW is the time. Right this second!! Accept Him, give your life to Him so that you may live in Eternity with Him and the others who have accepted Him too. Don't delay my loves because your life could end any second and I promise you, separation from your Savior is the absolute worst pain you could ever experience. I love you all, I pray for you all, and I beg you to get on your knees TONIGHT and pray the sinners prayer, claim your free gift, take a stand for your free gift, claim VICTORY in your free gift and live in Eternity forever in Glory!!! 

Can I get an AMEN!!!???

Fruits of the Spirit, Social Issues, and POTUS Candidates

Every individual has a checklist of important topics or issues that they look for in a potential POTUS candidate. Some care very little if at all about the persons religious beliefs but, to me personally, that is a HUGE factor on who I vote for because it shows their personal moral and ethical values and the way they will handle certain situations. Clearly we can see how Obama's Muslim influence is playing out in how he is handling current situations and this was a fear of mine when he was elected.
Listening to a local radio show today on 99.3 The Truth on a show called "Mac's World Live" someone accused Donald Trump of not being a Christian or at least acting like one...a woman who is supposedly a personal friend and employee of Trump's called in and reamed (which I thought was a bit ironic in the fact that she was accusing him of not being a Christian himself for judging but yet I felt she was doing the exact same thing) this person for saying this. My response on discerning (not judging) someone's Christian walk or character in Christ is the fruit they bare. Wikipedia states that "The Fruit of the Holy Spirit is a biblical term that sums up nine attributes of a Christian life according to St. Paul in his Letter to the Galations. "But the Fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control" Galations 5:22-23.

So when I look at Donald Trump and his history and character in the media and in shows such as "The Apprentice" and how he has treated women and spoke to women, I question his "fruits". To me, I am discerning and will have to agree with the radio personality today that he is not a Christian in the sense that I understand a Christian. In my humble opinion Donald Trump is a racist, woman hating, bigot, pompous, and self-centered ass who cares nothing about this country or it's citizens and only about his own self interest, He has publicly insulted women, Hispanics, the poor, Republicans, and Christians among many others on MULTIPLE occasions.

Now, you don't have to take my word for any of this...it's all out there for the world to see and I assume everyone is smart enough to use Google and research this monster for what he is. Can anyone tell me how Donald Trump portrays anything of a fruitful person? The problem I have with the rich of our country is that they care very little about the "little guy" of society and Donald Trump in my opinion is one of those people who cares very little. Of course those who support him, like the woman on the video above, will come up with all these wonderful things that he has done for others. I have no doubt that he has helped some people and he talks a really big game. But as I was listening to the show and listening to the words of this woman I thought to myself, well gee, if ALL that qualifies Donald Trump to be our next POTUS is the fact that he's helped a few poor people, sick people, or ONE U.S. Veteran,  well we should just vote for Oprah Winfrey to be our next POTUS. Or how about Bill Gates or Mark Zuckerberg? I mean come on people!!?? What really qualifies Donald Trump to run this country? Does he have experience in being a U.S. Veteran or ever served our country in war, does he know anything about how to run the Military? Does he know anything about our healthcare system, our mental health system, the addicted in the country, the homeless on our streets, the welfare program, women's health issues, or religious freedom, just to name a few things?? From what I have seen and heard of him over the years, he knows NOTHING about these things nor does he care about them. 

Does anyone remember when our current so called POTUS was running and how people were falling all over each other in praise of this man whose words stirred hearts and minds and caused passion and fever with his charismatic attitude and all of his "hope and change"?  Obama was sure feeding us all full of wonderful ideas and thought provoking ideas of all the wonderful things he was going to do as our President. Can I remind you now of how even the Democrat Black voter is regretting their vote because all the "hope and change" has done nothing but ruin lives, take away choice, impose personal beliefs, and keep the poor as they were, still poor? Do I really need to bring up all the awful things our country and society has endured that will last even unto our children and our children's children (if the world lasts that long) because of the horrible policy and decisions Obama has forced upon us? Well friends, I can promise you, a vote for Trump, and election for Trump, will be the Republicans Obama and we will be bitching and moaning and complaining for the next 4-8 years in regret for such a stupid decision.

In conclusion I will share with you what my personal check list is in regards to choosing whom I will vote for as our next POTUS:

Fruits of the Spirit is number ONE! What is the character and track record of our next POTUS? How does he/she handle pressure? How does he/she handle going to war? How does he/she handle social issues such as the poor, the innocent, the victimized, and the unborn? My top issues, in no particular order:

• Right 2 Life - protecting the unborn and abortion issues, who still stop funding to murderous organizations like Planned Parenthood through our federal tax payer dollars and the violence against women and the unborn is the highest in our country than it has ever been
• Mental health - who will stop cutting federal funding to mental health organizations, shutting down mental health institutions and who will help the fact that social workers, mental health, and drug addiction counselor are some of the most expensive degrees to earn and the most underpaid employees, suicide caused by bullying is one of the highest causes of death among our youth
• Social reform programs - who will stop the cutting of funding from social reform programs
• The Homeless - who is going to stop cutting funding from organizations that help the homeless
• Drug and Alcohol Addiction - who still stop cutting funding from programs that help the addicted and who will stop the the fact that addiction counselors earn almost less than minimum wage and pay more for their degrees than they will ever make in salary
• Religious Freedom - who is going to ensure the fact that we are able to have prayer in schools, that Sabbath keepers do not have to compromise their faith and work on the Sabbath, who is going to protect traditional and Biblical marriage
• Education and Common Core - who is going to stop the government controlling and conditioning of our youth
• Protecting and providing for our U.S. Vets - there are more homeless, mentally ill, PTSD, and addicted Vets on our streets than any other population and the Vet hospitals have NO support or funding to help them. Healthcare, housing and counseling should be FREE for those that have served
• Protecting our borders against terrorism - who is going to stop ISIS???
• Domestic Violence and child protection laws - who is going to stand up and make the laws stricter against people who choose to victimize women and children
• 2nd Amendment Rights/Upholding the Constitution - who is going to stop immediately calling for stricter gun laws when tragedy strikes instead of focusing on the real problems of why the crimes are happening 
• Drug and alcohol convictions - why do we have more people in prisons right now for minor drug and alcohol convictions than we do for major crimes, who is going to support drug courts and stop over populating our jail systems for minor crimes that could be solved within treatment centers
• ALL lives matter - who is going to step up and take a stand against racism, who is going to stop race bating people like Al Sharpton, who is going to take a stand for the murdered unborn, who is going to take a stand for our police force that risk their lives daily to keep us all safe

These are my most important issues and honestly and sadly, none of the people running are talking about any of them. I know that we all have our own morals and we all have our own values but I really want to challenge all of you to get your priorities straight and stop arguing and being offended over the stupidest things and really set down and think about what is destroying our society and what can we do as a nation to ensure that these things are improved. 

I welcome your input and opinions and unlike other people I won't discredit you for what you have to say. I am open and love healthy debates on any topic that I write about and everyone has a voice and right to their moral judgments. If you have something to say...if you have a defense, if you have any viable and reliable PROOF against anything I've said...share it...please...

And let me know, who are you voting for and why?